Roommate Confessions: Issue 99

It’s been an entire week since your last confession and there’s been a lot of good, solid sinning going on across the country. Check out the top 5 and don’t forget to submit your misdeeds to our submission page!

My roommate has this habit of going into my room when I’m not home and taking out my ferrets and rabbit and “playing” with them, despite my repeated requests that she not do so without my supervision. I believe I’m justified in this demand, considering she broke her chinchilla’s leg by mishandling it. Well, she hasn’t stopped, and since she’s scared of dogs and I work at my local Humane Society branch, two days ago I brought home an intact male pit bull to foster. I haven’t seen my roommate since. I think I’m going to keep the dog.

Anonymous, University of Missouri

MY lunatic roommate was obsessed with vampires. She would sit in the dark with fake fangs on and listen to The Cure. I got so sick of it I ripped her Vampire poster down, which I caught her making out with more than once. The next day she put pictures of me sleeping all over the room, and covered them in ketchup. I didn’t go back for a week. Next time you pretend you’re a vampire try not to cry so much, it doesn’t make you too intimidating.
Sarah Billingston, School Not Given

Hey there miss bulimia. Remember how you were obsessed with multiple runs and showers per day? Well that towel you took off your makeup with after was the same one I wiped my feet on. Oh, and I totally have plantar warts. My bad.
Carolyn M, NYU

My roommate is a whore, there’s no better way to describe it. At least 2 nights a week since the beginning of the semester, she’s brought a (usually) different guy back to the dorm, thinking I was asleep, and continued to… be a good host. This got to be really annoying within this last month and I’d decided to to something about it. So last week around 3 AM one particular Thursday, she brought home yet another gentleman caller. They did their thing and shortly afterward passed out. Still being awake, I took the liberty of “borrowing” his clothes, all of her clothes and hiding mine. And just so their sleep wouldn’t be interrupted, I made sure to turn off her alarm clock and take both their cell phones with me to English. There’s nothing more satisfying than watching your roommate and her booty call preform the walk of shame/clothing retrieval (all of which were scattered throughout the campus) in nothing but bath towels and a welcome mat on a beautiful Friday afternoon. She still thinks his ex did it and neither of them have gotten their phones back. I rule.
Summer Crosby, UC Davis

Justin, remember junior year when I came out of the bathroom and I said I shaved my balls with our roommate’s razor and then we slapped high fives? Well dude I really thought it was his razor but lo and behold I saw you shaving your goatee with it less than two days later. I should have told you awhile ago but I’m too busy with school work and looking at porn. Call me up and I’ll buy you a beer.
Jesse Lewis, St. Louis

Submit yours here!