Wingman Mom

Guy: So, where are you from originally?

Girl: Well I was born in Rhode Island, then I moved here in ’98 when-

Mom: Oh! ’98! That takes me back. You know, the first time Greg’s stepfather and I made love was after we went to see Shakespeare In Love.

Guy: Mom! You’re meant to be talking to the ugly one. Get in the game!

Girl: … So, how about you? Where are you from?

Mom: Greg… Greeeeg.

Guy: What?

Mom: Why are we in a booth? Do you realize that by being in a booth, three quarters of your vision is impaired? How can we find you a wife-

Guy: Girl.

Mom: Girl, if you can’t see anything. You have to think about these things to score to your full potential.

Guy: I’m sick of you nagging me like this! (turning back to the girl) Sorry about that.

Girl: It’s OK. Listen, do you want to get out of here? We can talk someplace quieter, maybe…

Guy: Yeah, sure! Hey mom! Want to give us a ride back?

Mom: Already? We only just got here.

Guy: Yeah but me and Katie want to-

Mom: Now are you sure that’s the one you want? I don’t want to go all the way home only for you to change your mind.

Guy: Urgh, this is the mall all over again! You can never just let me… hey… where’d they go?

Mom: See, this is exactly what I was talking about, Greg. You didn’t focus and now you’re going to have to go home alone tonight while I pretend not to notice or care as you masturbate in your room.

Guy: No, no. Let’s find another girl, then.

Mom: I found one!

Guy: Her? She’s a little nerdy… OK. I guess.

Mom approaches the girl

Mom: Oh, wow! Is that the new James Patterson book? How is it? I’ve had it on my Amazon wishlist for weeks but haven’t got round to-

Guy: Mom, come on!

Mom: Oh yeah! That’s my boy, Greggy over there. Would you like a lift back to our house so you can have sex with him tonight? He’s quite good, I think. I cleaned the house before we came out so it would smell nice.

Girl: Uhh… No thank you.

Mom: Really? I plugged in his humidifier when I was making sure he’d turned the lights in his room out. The humidity will be perfect.

Girl: I have to go.

The girl leaves.

Guy: Well, we tried. Guess we should call it a night.

Mom: No, come on, I promised. Let’s go get you a hooker.

Guy: You’re the best.