Open Mic Night at the Kennel Club

“I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back. Because she’s an excellent tracker.”

“Did you hear that thing about President Obama this week? Me too. Of course I didn’t understand it, because I’m a dog!”

“I hate flying. It’s the worst. Every time my Master does it, I get left in a kennel or with his sister.”

“Sincerity is everything. If you can fake that, you’ll get a lot of treats from Master.”

“See, there’s ‘doggie style’. We all know doggie style. But there’s also ‘chihuahua style’, which is where you walk around in a circle, lay down, and go to sleep by yourself. ‘Cause nobody’s gettin’ any looking as bad as a chihuahua does AMIRIGHT?“

“They wouldn’t let me in because I’m a mutt! I’m like, ‘Hey, that’s discrimination.’ And they go, ‘This is the Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show.’”

“I’m a mutt, and I feel like a purebred poodle, but unfortunately there’s never one around.”

“You know that one TV show? What is that all about? No, really what do all those flashing lights and noises mean? I didn’t understand it, because I’m a dog!”

“Man, it’d be great to be something sexy, you know? Like a catchaser. If you’re a catchaser, you get to spend all day chasing Pussy and all night getting pussy AMIRIGHT?“

“My wife wanted her face lifted. They couldn’t do that. Instead, for eighty dollars, they lowered her body. Also she’s a Shar Pei, and they’ve got all those rolls.”

“Driving is irritating, right? People are such idiots out there. I wish they would just stop and let one of us catch them.”

“I thought she was ignoring me, but it turned out she was a seeing-eye dog.”

“My friend is an actor. He says it’s great except for memorizing all those lines, and the peanut butter.”

“You know when Master and Other Master are in bed, and they’re going at it, and then they notice you in the room? Last time I did that Master said I was a bad boy, but I think we all know who the real bad boy is AMIRIGHT???”

“Take my wife—‘s fleas.”