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Kenny Davis

10 things that freak me right the f*** out

by Kenny Davis on

1. Guys with ponytails and no facial hair. I mean if you can’t even grow a respectable goatee then get a god dam haircut. For all of us.


2. Fanny packs. Need I say more?

3. Sitting down on the toilet only to find that the seat is already warm. Because it was probably that huge biker dude you passed on your way into the bathroom. And god only knows what kind of terrible things he just did that toilet.

4. Anyone who’s ever said the words “you feel me dawg?” I can tell you right now. I don’t.

5. The socks and sandals combo. Combine that with number 2 and you can stay the f*** away from me forever. And if your feet look that bad that you have to break the one rule in “open-toed shoes” (which is that they’re open-toed) then I think you should just stick with a nice pair of loafers.

6. People who talk on the phone with you while they’re taking a dump. Because their butt hole is open and I don’t need to be a part of that.

7. When your family dog tries to hump you. You grew up with this dog and it doesn’t look like he wants to be just friends anymore. He wants to be man’s BEST friend if you catch my drift.

8. Body glitter. No one’s body needs to shimmer in the sunlight. Ever.

9. When WoW dorks talk about f***ing other WoW dorks. I don’t personally play WoW but if did and I somehow got a girl to be in the same room with me naked, I would not tell her that she was the prettiest Nightstalker Mage in the whole guild. And I don’t even want to know what kind of role-play they’re into when it’s not on the computer. I don’t even wanna know about it when it’s ON the computer. Stay away from me people.

10. When you go up to a water fountain and find either gum or someone’s loogie. You go to a water fountain cause your thirsty but instead a thirst quenching experience you get a good close-up view of the someone’s phlegm. You can’t walk away because you’re SOOO thirsty. But there’s mucus about 2 inches from your face. But you’re dying for a drink f water. But there looks like there’s dried blood in this thing. You need the drink more than you need not to throw up. It’s regrettable and unavoidable.
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Kenny Davis

Kenny Davis

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I used to work for a chinese computer company that no longer exists; one Christmas Eve a man comes into the store right as we are closing and counting money and insists that we start up the Point of Sale system again and sell him the video card he reserved online. We tell him that the computers have been shut down and all the transactions of the day batched and sent to the... Read More » credit card vendor. He keeps telling us that it's already paid for etc. and we keep telling him we can't process any more transactions until the morning of Dec. 26th. He then takes out a revolver and makes us lay on the floor while he steals the cash drawers and takes off. Turns out he had in fact reserved the video card online and his full name, address and phone number were in the system along with his email address; i bet his New Year sucked.