The Douchebag's Guide to Getting Ahead...

Ex. You: So there I was, it was the fourth quarter and I knew if I didn’t make the tackle we wouldn’t win the game…
Some guy: Yea I was there, it was a great ga…
You: Shut the fuck up dude, I’m trying to tell a story. Anyway, there I was, eye to eye with their all-state halfback…

Rule #2: Always treat everyone as if you are better than them, mainly because you are.
There are lot’s of ways you can achieve this goal. I tend to prefer the D’s. Demean and Degrade. Call all your buddies names such as “dickhead,” “pussy,” and the often used “Bitch.” Refer to females you encounter as “c*nt,” “slut,” “skank,” “whore,” etc. On the flip side you can also refer to your buddies as “my boy” or “my dude.”

Ex. 1 – You: Hey pussy, why weren’t you at the rec yesterday pumping iron like me?
Ex. 2 – You: Hey slut, get over here and bring me a beer.
Ex. 3 – Some guy: Hey do you know Jason?
You: YEAA, he’s my dude!

Rule #3: There is only one right answer…yours.
Forget what that old hag said in your psychology class, she doesn’t know shit. If she did she wouldn’t be teaching a bunch of young adults at some second rate university. There’s a reason half the class doesn’t show up. Don’t be afraid to tell everyone who’s opinion is different than your’s that they’re retarded. People don’t know what they’re talking about, unless they agree with you. Be wary though, because even if they agree with you, they might just be copying off of you so they don’t look like a moron. Be sure to question them and make sure they aren’t a fraud…frickin’ posers.

So now that you know how to think like a douchebag, it’s time to dress the part…

How to Dress like a Douchebag

Rule #1: Think Khaki
Khaki shorts, khaki pants. Must look like they’ve been worn by a guy who was dragged 5 miles under a semi. If shorts, the length must be well below the knee. If the knee shows when you sit, they are too short. This isn’t a country club, even though you belong to one. Khaki goes well with any outfit, plus you look like a fuckin’ G!

Rule #2: Take your shirt size from 8th grade and go one size smaller.
Question: How do you make yourself look jack-diesel? You wear the tightest shirt you can without tearing the seam. There’s a reason you spend 3 hours a day doing curls in front of the mirror at the gym, show that shit off. Abercrombie makes a strong t-shirt and polo as does American Eagle. If you really want to stand out amongst the sea of posers, go expensive such as Lacoste or Polo. Imitators will go with Izod or Gap…losers.

Rule #3: In regards to head wear…hair gel or baseball cap with frayed bill.
Remember all those chicks who were in love with N*SYNC and the Backstreet Boys? Well in reality they just liked the gelled down hair with the flip in the front. And guess how old those girls are now? If you said “Old enough” then you are absolutely correct. What better way to reel ‘em in then to remind them of their first crushes. Learn to sing or play a guitar and those panties might as well be on the ground in the bar bathroom, whether she came with a boyfriend or not. If you’re not big into buying hair products or you just like having something on top of your head than the frayed baseball cap is for you. A frayed ball cap is so important because it makes it look like you’ve had the hat for ages, when in all honesty you probably got it at the mall last week. If you’re not the frayed type, go with the solid white ball cap with some college logo on it. UNC and Duke are good choices, so is OSU. All have attractive female fans who would love to get boned by someone as awesome as you, especially since you root for the same team they do.

Rule #4: Only nerds like vampires and werewolves, go to a saloon and get your shit waxed and tanned.
Girls don’t like hair. Get your back, chest, arms, legs, ass, and upper legs waxed. Shave your junk, or if you happen to have a large sum of money, get laser hair removal. When your pubic area is as smooth as marble countertop, chicks get wetter than the monsoon scene in Jumanji. Also, get a tan. The more tan you are, the more attractive you are. The more attractive you are, the more you look at yourself in the mirror. The more you look in the mirror, the bigger douchebag. Therefore, through the transitive property, the more tan you are, the bigger the douche.

I hope you learned the ways to get what you want at the expense of others. Remember, when in doubt, you’re always right, no matter what decision you make and no one will ever amount to you. Any questions you have, direct them to me and I’ll get back to you after I’m done banging your sister or mother. Now please excuse me while I admire my pecs in the mirror.