Our lives revolve around celebrities. We want to hear about their gossip, fawn over them, look at them, watch them do their stuff. For the most part, though, we want to meet them. For those of us who go to school in New York, we all have either met celebrities, or personally know people who have. (Luckily enough for the rest of you, we share our stories.) For those of you in NY who haven't been celeb-hunting yet, here are some tips and tricks to dealing with different types.
The One Who Wants Attention This one will show up in very crowded places at scheduled times. As a rule, though, he'll wear a hat low over his eyes to pretend he's hiding from the crowds of salivating teenage girls. Don't be fooled by this. He wants you to recognize him. This celeb you must approach with, "We're HUGE fans of your work!" or something of the like.
- Real-Life Example: A friend and I ran into James Franco. Well, we didn't run into him. We waited for him at Starbucks on a Monday night because he's there every Monday at 10:30. Of course when we approached him in line, he was thrilled to speak with us, but kindly asked us to wait until later for a picture, because he didn't want to make a scene. He had, of course, the obligatory baseball cap pulled down low, and when the clock struck twelve, he took it off, and stood proudly in line for one more coffee while everyone basked in his eternal glory.
The One Who Actually Doesn't Want Attention Rare as they are, these actually do exist. These will be at a bar or restaurant if they're classy minding their own business, when of course you'll notice them and flip out. To gain this one's respect, one must have some more refine. We suggest approaching with, "oh man, for a second there I thought you were (insert name here)".
- Real-Life Example: A group of friends and I saw Liev Schreiber in front of a bar down the block from our dorm. Unfortunately, we had no cameras or cell-phones, but that made our approach to him that much more friendly. My friend, clearly the only one among us with balls, nonchalantly walked up to him, and said, "Hey, has anyone ever told you you look like Liev Schreiber?" Liev, of course, answered "Well, funny story. I am." The rest was magical. He wished us good luck in Yiddish.
The Cocky One This one's a fucking pain in the ass. We all know the type, too. They're our brother, father, kid we went to high school with, or for the very fortunate few of us just another professor. He's God's gift to man-kind, and knows it. Fort this one, there's no really good way to approach. You just have to suck it up and dive in. Or, if you care for your reputation as a classy person, not approach at all.
- Real-Life Example: Someone I know of went to Madonna's birthday concert, and of course, stalked her at the stage door. When she emerged, he wished her a happy birthday and congratulated her on her great performance. To this starstruck child she responded, "I'm not great. I'm iconic." That's what you get for stalking Madonna.
The Dumbass This one seems to have forgotten his celebrity status. He wants to walk around, go on with his life as everyone else can, and go fucking apeshit on anyone who recognizes him. There is absolutely no way to civilly tell this dumbshit you respect him. The best you can do is hope he doesn't catch you snapping a pic with your iPhone.
- Real-Life Example As many people know, Jude Law lives in an apartment building adjascent to one of NYU's Freshman dorms. One of my friends happens to live in the dorm that looks into his apartment. So, one morning, ol' Judie decided to exercise on his balcony. The group of girls woke up to his half-naked body across the alley from them. When he went inside, they figured he must've seen them gawking and excused himself for a more private setting. They didn't expect him to emerge with oranges to pelt at their window. Which he did.