How Do You Hug?

The “I-Have-Stuff-In-My-Hands-Lean-In”-

You see a friend of yours walking across campus with their hands full, or in line to pay for food and you decide to awkwardly try to hug them anyway. So what do you do? You smile and say high loud enough for the deaf man behind you to hear, and then you put your arms out to the sides, lean in really close and stick your head out beside theirs. Sometimes, if the girls are really fake, then they purse their lips and add an audible kiss to go along.

Culprits:Your friends in the lunch line, French women, and Jack Handey (I got these sacks…)

The “Ass-Out Hug”-

“Oh hey Girls! You look great today! (hug with fake smile attached)” The “Ass-Out Hug” says, “I like you, but not enough to feel me up.” This type of hug also involves usually a cell phone in one of the parties’ hands in which the conversation will immediately be put on hold without warning to the caller on the other end.

Culprits: Cheerleaders, Sorority girls, and J-Lo.

The “High or Low Hug?”-

Usually it is understood that the taller of the two friends will go “high” and the shorter will go “low,” but in cases where height is in question things can get tricky. The huggers typically get confused as to which side to put their heads, and which arms should overlap the others. In this case I usually go, “head to the left with my right arm on top.”

Culprits: Any two people who are roughly the same height, and midgets.

The “One Armed Squeeze”-

Typically found during celebrations or used to console someone in a time of need. This hug requires the participants to be side by side and sometimes in a seated position. The “One Armed Squeeze” can be done jumping up and down, and can occasionally be seen by a raised beer or foam finger in the air.

Culprits: Your Pong partner, your middle school soccer coach, and anyone standing beside you in the stadium when your favorite team wins the game.

The “Rub” or “Pat”-

Keep an eye out for these huggers, for they can be deceptive. The “Rub” conveys warmth and affection which you may remember from the early days of your happy childhood. The “Pat” on the other hand says, “I’m full of shit…”

Culprits: Your Mom, your Ex, and Michael Jackson.

The “Jump-Hug”-

They spot each other across the party, a moment later she is in his arms with her legs wrapped around his waist. The “Jump-Hug” is reserved usually for those couples who cannot keep their hands off one-another, or the seven foot tall basketball player and his five foot tall .

Culprits: The touchy feely couple, your last hookup, and your next hookup.

Finally,

The “Handshake”-

You go in for the hug, arms wide open ready to embrace your other half, when there they stand, their hand extended, and the look of pure business on their face. Everyone around you is watching to see what will unfold, so you calmly regroup, shake hands, and drive off with his daughter.

Culprits: Your girlfriend’s father and future in-laws everywhere…