Halloween, All Hallows Eve, or "Samhain" originally stemmed from theGaelic harvesting holiday. It was believed that on October 31 theborder between the world of the living and the dead dissolved and theevil spirits had to be placated by burning cow bones and wearing masks.Back in New England, when I still maintained some of my morals andsanity, Halloween meant pumpkin carving and volunteering at the localnature reserve's fall tour. Nowthat I am older and not that much wiser(just unexplainably bitter) I have come to appreciate this great holidayfor what it truly is: an excuse to dress likea total whore.

Nowsome of you naysayers might ask yourself, "why is this night differentfrom any other night?" Well, for one it's not Passover and the otherreason is peer pressure. Girls have been planning weeks in advance,shopping for only the skankiest of costumes and gathering the perfectgroup of friends next to whom they will be considered the "hot one."For some of the sororities on campus this is indeed a lost cause, butyou have to give them credit for trying to hide the extra twenty poundsof what I like to call "Natural Light Shame." I can't say I'm a 00anymore as well, but at least I'm not masquerading as a pregnant bellydancer. Just a walking train wreck, and there is no point in hiding itanymore. As much as I would love to blow the $60, $80, or even $120dollars on a pleather Little Red Riding Hood costume, I would muchrather spend my hard earned dolla dolla bills on more recreationalactivities such as heavy drinking and apple picking. (Both of which canbeperformed at the same time, but only for the most ambitious ofmultitaskers.)

Just because I choose to not spend my money onsuch friviolties, doesn't mean I haven't looked online and in varioussketchy stores. Just because I'm a good person and honestly a ravingbitch, I have decided to decipher the various female costumes for thecasual observer.

The Playboy Bunny Costume: The least original of them all.

Mostlyreserved for the naive freshman or the upperclassman who stopped caringwhen they realized slapping on a pair of ears equates to an unlimitedsupply of jungle juice.

The Little Devil: aka this basement already looks like the third circle of hell

Weknow you're up to no good, you don't need to metaphorically throw it inour faces like the cafeteria omelette you just left on the brotherhoodroom couch.

The Schoolgirl: Ah,the quintessential scholar

Inmy experience the private school girls are the most insane to beginwith. This costume is more like an ode to the trials and tribulationsthey had to face in order to get to the finest of third tier schools,most of which involved funneling.

Any sort of Princess: Are you seriously wearing an old dance costume and Claire's tiara?

Thisis the girl with the camera, ready to capture every moment of herselfwith her nearest and dearest. These pictures will inevitably end up onfacebook the next day, with asinine album titles such as"ToTaLlyTrAsHeD…HaLlOWeEn OHNINE." All of which can be used asblackmail for a later date when said girl tries her hand in politics.Dare to dream kids.

The Cowgirl: Yeehaw?

Like yourhick brethren you have decided to cheap out and throw on your flanneland jean shorts. Not the most appealing of costumes, but it keeps youwarm during the walk of shame tomorrow.