Razor Blade Apples

Interior – The Spooky Old House Up the Block – Halloween Night

The old witch Mrs. Wilkins talks to her evil cat familiar, Hugo.

Mrs. Wilkins: Tonight’s the night, Hugo. Tonight, when the moon is large and the spirits fly from their tombs, I shall take my revenge on the children of this town with razor blade-laced apples to spoil their goodie bags!

Hugo: Meow.

Doorbell rings. Mrs. Wilkins opens her front door, clutching a bowl of goodies.

Tommy and Lucy: Trick or Treat!

Mrs. Wilkins: Hello, little children. Would you like some candy? A Snickers bar? Some Nerds? Or perhaps an innocent, succulent APPLE!

Lightning. Thunderclap.

Tommy: Snickers bar!

Lucy: Yay! Nerds!

Mrs. Wilkins: Yeah, um… so no one wants the apple? Hmm? Anyone?

Lucy: No thanks! Bye, Mrs. Wilkins!

Mrs. Wilkins: No, wait! Hang on. I really think you kids should take this apple.

Tommy: Why?

Mrs. Wilkins: Why? Why? Because it’s Halloween, that’s why. This is a treat. You’re trick-or-treaters. When I was a kid, I would have given anything for a juicy red apple like this. You could even say… I’d die for it.

Lightning. Thunderclap.

Tommy: Apples are gross.

Mrs. Wilkins: What? What is wrong with you? I try to offer you something healthy and you opt for empty calories and sugary garbage? Where the hell are your parents?

Lucy: We’re by ourselves this year! Daddy went to a party at The Jock’s Trap.

Mrs. Wilkins: The gay bar down on Sutherland?

Tommy: And Mommy cried a lot and said she had a date with Mr. Jimmy Beam.

Awkward silence.

Mrs. Wilkins: Jesus. I guess your life is pretty sh*tty already. Well, Happy Halloween, then. Enjoy your candy.

Mrs. Wilkins closes the door.

Lucy: I thought she’d never leave. Hey, you want to microwave that Snickers bar and throw it in her pool?

Tommy: Let’s do this. I f*cking love Halloween.