Staff Picks

The Categories of a Douchebag

by Emily on November 10, 2009

	PREPORIOUS DOUCHEBAGIUM “Preppy Douchebag” Pickup line: “You would look good sunbathing at my Nantucket summer cottage.” Found: Ivy League campuses, smoking clubs, Rugby stores Wears: Polo shirts, boating shoes, suits at inappropriate times Thrives on: “Intellectual” discussions, purebred dogs, wine coolers Weakness: Actually intellectual discussions.
	FRATERNITORUS DOUCHEBAGIUM “Frat Bro Douchebag” Pickup line: “I made this drink for you.” Found: Beer pong championships, The Game, not lectures Wears: College apparel, Birkenstocks with socks, puca shell necklaces Thrives on: Natty Ice, cold pizza, the blood of sorority freshmen Weakness: Correct spelling and grammar.

�	PRETENTIOUSIAL NERDUS DOUCHEBAGIUM “Pretentious Nerd Douchebag” Pickup line: “You can trust me, I’m a Doctor…Who.” Found: Mom’s basements, LAN parties, GameStop Wears: Literally anything he finds in his closet/what his mom buys for him Thrives on: Video game smack talk, sci fi smack talk, math. Weakness: Girls.
�	�HIPSTERIOR DOUCHEBAGIUM “Hipster Douchebag” Pickup line: “You look like an American Apparel model.” Found: Coffee shops, poetry readings, his own tormented thoughts Wears: Flannel, inappropriately tight pants, inappropriately large glasses Thrives on: Hand-rolled cigarettes, vegan food, irony Weakness: Failed irony.
�	�GUIDORIAL DOUCHEBAGIUM “Guido” Pickup line: “Wanna ride an Italian stallion?” Found: New Jersey, Long Island, Queens Wears: Gold chains, hair gel, the Italian flag Thrives on: Club culture, body spray, Ma’s lasagna Weakness: Culture.