Collegiate Winter Preparations

It may only be the beginning of November, but before you know it there will be snow on the ground and you’ll be staring head-on into the barren wasteland of winter.  Take action now, before it’s too late!

• Develop a solid layer of fat to protect yourself from the cold: odds are you’ve already gotten a head-start on this one thanks to your campus dining center and drunken late-night pizza binges.  While your unsightly rolls of fat may lead you to believe that you are less than attractive to members of the opposite sex, which you definitely are, you can hide your disgusting and well-insulated body in layers of sweat pants and hoodies.
• Find a ride home for Thanksgiving/Christmas: now is the time to reconnect with your annoying high school friend with a car who goes to your school.  Sure, the kid was annoying as hell and always wanted to tag along with you during Welcome Week, but his beat up Saturn is better than sitting next to a possible prison-escapee on a Greyhound.
• Re-establish contact with your high school ex-girlfriend: now is the time for several well-placed facebook messages about wanting to catch up (i.e. hook-up) over break.  The endless parade of drunk co-eds comes to a grinding halt the second you step foot into your childhood room, so make sure that you mend the fences that resulted from breaking up with her a week before you both left for school.
• Begin softening the blow to your parents about your horrible grades: sure, you may have been a solid student in high school, but that was before you realized how difficult is to wake up for 7 AM accounting lectures after consuming 12 Miller Lites the previous evening.  Casually start mentioning to your parents how your teachers’ accents make it difficult to follow along in lectures.
• Start attending class: for the love of God man, you really got to get your ass to school every now and then.
• Find smell emanating from room: be it a piece of pizza lodged behind the heater or a banana piece under the couch, take care of that shit before you leave for over a month.
• Don’t do laundry: from now until you head home for winter break you should not have to do laundry once.  All dirty clothes worn from now until Thanksgiving can be washed at home, and all dirty clothes worn from Thanksgiving till Christmas can also be washed at home.  Show your mom how much you missed her by presenting her with a 4X4 foot cube of dirty laundry.