Divine Intervention

(September 13, 2009. Kanye Westis enjoying the MTV Video Music Awards from backstage. The nominees for Best Female Video are about to be announced when suddenly the angel Gabriel appears to Kanye.)

Gabriel: Kanye, it is I, the archangel Gabriel, messenger of the Lord. I have come to give you a new mission from our Heavenly Father.

Kanye: Awww c’mon, man! Why does God always ask ME to spread his word? First God wanted me to tell everyone that George W. Bush doesn’t care about black people. The he tells me that I need to declare that I am the greatest musical artist of this generation. I always end up looking like a jackass. What does God want now?

Gabriel: In a few moments, Taylor Swift will win the award for Best Female Video. This greatly displeases the Lord our God. He wishes for Beyonce to win the award for “Single Ladies.” God commands you to interrupt Taylor Swift’s acceptance speech and inform the world that the award should belong to Beyonce.

Kanye: What??? No way! That’s ridiculous. Does it really matter who wins an MTV award? If I do that, I’ll look like a jackass again. Isn’t there something else I could do to please God? Like open up a homeless shelter or donate money to cancer research?

Gabriel: You dare question the commandments of the Lord?! God thinks that Beyonce had one of the best music videos of all time! He is very clear on this. Now you either go out there and ruin that poor girl’s proudest moment or the Lord will be very displeased with YOU!

Kanye: (Sigh) Fine, Gabriel. I will do God’s bidding.

(Kanye walks out to the stage to make his infamous interruption.)

Gabriel: Hahaha. What a jackass.