Staff Picks

The Wisdom of King Solomon

by Patrick Cassels on December 1, 2009

KING SOLOMON: We will cut the baby in half!

MOTHER: No, don’t harm the child! I’d rather lose it than see the baby killed.

GUARD: Surely, she must be the true mother to care for the baby so! (to King) You are wise, King Solomon! (calling) Have the next subject come forward with his case.

A Farmer enters.

FARMER: Your Highness, I cannot feed my family. My cow is sick.

KING SOLOMON: (thinks) We will cut the cow in half!

FARMER: Forgive me, your Highness. But how would that help, exactly?

GUARD: Do not question the King’s wisdom. Next case!

A Husband enters.

HUSBAND: Your Highness, my wife and I have been trying to have a child for months. Please help us—

KING SOLOMON: Cut the wife in half!

HUSBAND: Are you… joking?

KING SOLOMON: Cut the wife in half!

HUSBAND: (bowing head) As you wish.

The King’s General enters.

GENERAL: (out of breath) King Solomon, a storm threatens to sink half our naval fleet!

KING SOLOMON: I see. (thinks deeply) Cut the storm in half!

GENERAL: That’s… not possible, your Highness.

KING SOLOMON: Cut the storm in half!

GENERAL: If I may be so bold, your Highness, are you sure cutting things in half is the best method of solving your Kingdom’s problems?

KING SOLOMON: How dare you question my wisdom! Guard, cut this man in half until he is loyal!

GUARD: Are you um… feeling well, your Highness? Perhaps you should eat something.

The King slaps the tray of food to the floor.

KING SOLOMON: You fool! That food could be poisoned! Cut it in half first.

GUARD: Your Highness?

KING SOLOMON: And could somebody please cut me in half a glass of wine?