The Jew-y Last Name

There is nothing I hate more (since when am I positive?) than a Jew with an safe, easy, Anglicized last name.

Why do I beef with Gold, Smith, and Goodman?

BECAUSE I’M FUCKING JEALOUS. LIKE, JERMAINE JACKSON-JEALOUS.

Whenmy Papa Henry came to this country, I can’t imagine he showed up atImmigration and thought “Hmm..let’s just stick with “Krumholz”…justrolls off the tongue so nicely”

It was probably more like

“Boy, I’m glad to get away from those pesky Nazis…NOW LET’S GET THIS PAPER!!”

My other Grandfather, who was not an immigrant, changed his surname. The obtrusive, ethic “Slobodinsky” became “Sloane”

DO YOU KNOW HOW MORE ASS I WOULD GET IF MY NAME WAS EVAN SLOANE??
THERE’S EVEN A PORN DUDE NAMED EVAN STONE, THAT’S LIKE 3 LETTERS AWAY FROM DOGGY-STYLE SEX WITH BRIANNA BANKS!!

Okay, So we all can’t be blessed with foresight. But here are my major beefs with “Krumholz”


1. It’s pronounced “Krumholtz” but spelled “K-R-U-M-H-O-L-Z”…
WHERE THE FUCK IS THE “T”??
IF I HAD THAT ONE BLESSED CONSONANT IT WOULD SAVE ME FROM THE CONSTANT CORRECTIONS THAT I FEEL STUPID EVEN MAKING!
IFI WAS KRUMHOLTZ THEN MAYBE AN AIRLINE TICKETER OR MAITRE’D WOULD THINKMY DAD (David) IS THAT FUCK FROM “NUMB3RS” AND HOOK US UP..and byextension HOOK ME UP!

2. Schwartz means “Black”
Cohen means “High Preist”

DO YOU KNOW WHAT KRUMHOLZ MEANS? DO YOU?

CROOKED WOOD. CROOKED FUCKIN’ WOOD

EVAN KRUMHOLZ= JOHNNY BENTPENIS



MOTHERFUCKER WHAT THE FUCK?

According to Wikipedia, the Krumholz feature occurs trees when
Continual exposure to fierce, freezing winds causes vegetation to become stunted and deformed

Stunted and deformed, eh?

HELLLLLOOOO LADIEESSS!!


Whatever, I’m gonna make this world bow before the sound of my Ashkenazi identifier.

Also, in my typical hypocritical fashion, if you change your last name, you’re a pussy. I’m talkin’ to you, Bob Dylan.