8 Lies Women Tell Men (and Themselves)

1) “He will freak out when he sees these new sexy lace panties”
Lace is not sexy. I have no idea where this idea came from. The fact that you are in panties, which cover fewer square inches of your body than clothes, is what’s sexy. It wouldn’t matter to us if you had a layer of Bugles covering yourself down there. On second thought, that sounds awesome.

2) “I love funny guys”

First of all, women generally look for three things in a guy, in this order- Confidence, attractiveness, and the other women he’s slept with. Besides, most girls will tell you they know whether they’d sleep with a guy within the first five seconds of meeting him, and unless you’re blurting out a knock-knock joke in that time, there’s no way humor factors in.

Second of all, when they say funny, they don’t mean actually funny. Ever watch your favorite stand-up comedian along with a girl? No, because if you leave it on for more than five seconds they’ll demand you change the channel to What Not To Wear. “Girl funny” means only one thing- making fun of women besides them- and they reserve that spot on their roster for the Gay Guy Friend, anyway.

3) “I love video games!”

No, you like playing Mario Party, Super Smash Bros, and Mario Kart. Unless you play with a guy who is willing to use any skill beyond just button-mashing (read: all of us) in which case you’ll get bored after six minutes and quit.

4) “I’m totally like a man when it comes to hooking up, I can do it and never see them again. I know! It’s weird.”

It’s not true. But if it was true, it would only because they didn’t get enough attention from their daddies. But it’s not true.

5) “Ugh, I’m sorry I said that, I was totally PMS-ing.”

According to the only source I’m willing to look up, PMS only significantly affects 2-5% of women. So a more accurate explanation would be, “Ugh, I’m sorry I said that, but at the time I was having trouble hiding the fact that I am a gigantic bitch.”

6) “I can tell you how big a guy is, just by looking at the size of his hands/feet/nose/car/”

This psuedoscience needs to stop. Everyone should know the only way to know the size of a guy’s weenie is to see it for yourself. Or you could just ask him, I’m sure he’d give you an honest answer.

7) “My boyfriend likes watching Sex and the City with me, he just doesn’t want his friends to know.”

Your boyfriend is willing to bank on you being horny after watching Sex and The City, which is the female equivalent to hardcore porn. It’s worth it to him, so long as his friends won’t make fun of him.

8) “I’m a total dude. Whenever I watch football with my guy friends they say I make so many comments!

Yeah about that…that might not be a compliment.

“But they say I’m just like Rachel Nichols!”

Definitely not a compliment.