Staff Picks

ATTENTION MICHIGAN

by Bert Burns on November 20, 2009

Ladies�nd Gentleman, tomorrow the metro detroit area will be invaded by one of the most repulsive species known to mankind. This breed will be easily identified by the scarlet and gray sweatshirts and ripped blue jeans, most commonly with untied shoe laces. The “Buckeye” is a threat to our safety, and must be dealt with cautiously.�/div>

Ohio State faithful are not what you would call ordinary fans. Whether it be the whiskey on their breath or the nacho cheese on their shirt, there is no doubt something that separates them from the rest of society. A simple understanding of the different ways they think can be helpful when dealing with them in public.

Teeth are not for brushing, hair is for brushing, teeth are for chewing, and they will prove this to you by doing so with their mouths opened…

�s actually more cost friendly to go to ohio state/michigan games when they are in ann arbor, not because the tickets are cheaper…but because when they are here, they can get 10 cents for their empty beer cans, rather than crushing them over their heads and throwing them at opposing fans

Profanity and vulgar language are an ordinary part of enjoying a game. If you are the dumb michigan fan who hasn’t taught your 1 year old the ‘earmuffs’ trick, then whose fault is that?

Incest is not only accepted, its expected. It is thought to be only way to guarantee future support of their program. These “full blooded buckeye” children are often the envy of their kindergarten class.

They see no point in debating the academic merits of their university…these are football fans, many of them are only able to count up to 4th…as in down or quarter…

They often wonder why there is not a trophy involved with this annual game, simply because they are attracted to shiny objects. If you find one in your seats at the game saturday, throw the tin foil from your hot dog as far as possible…this should buy some time.

I urge all of you to pay attention to what I say here. Share this information with your friends and family. We are all at risk this weekend. Bright lights from the detroit casinos are likely to distract them when crossing into our state. Many of them will get lost along the way, therefore no neighborhood is safe. To lower the risk of buckeye invasion in your town, remove all road kill from the streets, do not sell discounted alcohol, and take all fast food advertisements down from nearby expressways. If you all follow these simple instructions things will be back to ordinary by Monday. Buckeyes can’t survive long without the presence of 2nd hand smoke and toothless woman, so expect them to leave shortly after the end of the game. Or as soon as their 12 year old is sober enough to drive.�/div>