The Second Thanksgiving

Every American knows the story of the First Thanksgiving, when the Wampanoag Indians saved the Pilgrims from starvation and the two peoples celebrated with a feast. Lesser known is the “Second Thanksgiving.” Like most Holidays, there was a lot of aggression..

GOVERNOR BRADFORD: (raising a glass) …And so I’d like to propose a toast to another feast of Thanksgiving, and to our good neighbors, the Wampanoag.

CHIEF MASSASOIT: We are happy to see you have prospered these last 12 months. In fact, we’ve noticed there are more of you this year. A lot more.

GOVERNOR:  Indeed, new boats from the Old World are landing every day.

CHIEF: So then you’re all here to stay? Or…?

GOVERNOR: Of course! Come now, what foods have your people brought?

CHIEF: Nothing. You guys built a city where we used to grow our crops, remember?

GOVERNOR: (under his breath) I thought we weren’t going to get into this at dinner.

CHIEF: And while we’re on the subject, you never did pay us back for last year’s dinner. Do you have any idea how much pumpkin pie for 102 settlers costs? We may not have a monetary system, but I’m pretty sure it was fucking expensive.

CHIEF’S WIFE: Honey, please don’t start.

GOVERNOR’S WIFE: Yes, why don’t we just enjoy dinner?

GOVERNOR: Oh, I tried that pumpkin pie, Chief. It was practically inedible — and I resorted to cannibalism last winter.

CHIEF: Well, maybe if someone’s horses didn’t come into our lawn and crap all over our gardens it’d taste better.

GOVERNOR: Those could’ve been anyone’s horses.

CHIEF: We didn’t have horses before you got here!

GOVERNOR: If that’s how you feel, then you can leave. And we’d like those blankets we gave you last Hanukkah back.

CHIEF: We burned them.

GOVERNOR: You what?

CHIEF: They were diseased! They killed off half our tribe.

GOVERNOR: (raises his musket) But I still had the receipt. YOU COULD HAVE EXCHANGED THEM!

CHIEF: (raises his hatchet) Like you exchanged that sweater I got you? What, you thought I wouldn’t find out?

The Chief and the Governor engage in a violent fight. They crawl back to the table.

CHIEF: (out of breath): See you at Christmas?

GOVERNOR: (out of breath) Yeah, see you then.