Every American knows the story of the First Thanksgiving, when the Wampanoag Indians saved the Pilgrims from starvation and the two peoples celebrated with a feast. Lesser known is the “Second Thanksgiving.” Like most Holidays, there was a lot of aggression..
GOVERNOR BRADFORD: (raising a glass) …And so I’d like to propose a toast to another feast of Thanksgiving, and to our good neighbors, the Wampanoag.
CHIEF MASSASOIT: We are happy to see you have prospered these last 12 months. In fact, we’ve noticed there are more of you this year. A lot more.
GOVERNOR: Indeed, new boats from the Old World are landing every day.
CHIEF: So then you’re all here to stay? Or…?
GOVERNOR: Of course! Come now, what foods have your people brought?
CHIEF: Nothing. You guys built a city where we used to grow our crops, remember?
GOVERNOR: (under his breath) I thought we weren’t going to get into this at dinner.
CHIEF: And while we’re on the subject, you never did pay us back for last year’s dinner. Do you have any idea how much pumpkin pie for 102 settlers costs? We may not have a monetary system, but I’m pretty sure it was fucking expensive.
CHIEF’S WIFE: Honey, please don’t start.
GOVERNOR’S WIFE: Yes, why don’t we just enjoy dinner?
GOVERNOR: Oh, I tried that pumpkin pie, Chief. It was practically inedible — and I resorted to cannibalism last winter.
CHIEF: Well, maybe if someone’s horses didn’t come into our lawn and crap all over our gardens it’d taste better.
GOVERNOR: Those could’ve been anyone’s horses.
CHIEF: We didn’t have horses before you got here!
GOVERNOR: If that’s how you feel, then you can leave. And we’d like those blankets we gave you last Hanukkah back.
CHIEF: We burned them.
GOVERNOR: You what?
CHIEF: They were diseased! They killed off half our tribe.
GOVERNOR: (raises his musket) But I still had the receipt. YOU COULD HAVE EXCHANGED THEM!
CHIEF: (raises his hatchet) Like you exchanged that sweater I got you? What, you thought I wouldn’t find out?
The Chief and the Governor engage in a violent fight. They crawl back to the table.
CHIEF: (out of breath): See you at Christmas?
GOVERNOR: (out of breath) Yeah, see you then.
Topics
Holidays
Like this Article
URL
Close
Recent Articles
More
uPick
I Fought the Law
Run-ins with the cops
See All »
I'm friends with your daughter
So, back when I was in High School, I'm driving home one night from a friend's house when I get pulled over. The cop that pulls me over is the father of a girl I had hooked up with after a party a week before. Anyway, he's grilling me about why my eyes were "bloodshot". I knew him but he didn't know me, but he kept pushing it, asking me if I was high, if he made... Read More »




15 Phrases You'll Hear During Finals Week, and What They Really Mean
What Everyone in Your Family is Bringing for Thanksgiving
The Internet Justice League
8 Things the Internet Ruined
The 15 Best Christmas Movies of All Time
Every Time a Bell Rings
It's rare to find sculptures of this caliber
For those who understand data sets, but not the mysteries of the heart
Just a few more quarters... I know I can get this baby.
Turns out man's best friend is kind of a dick.
Impossible challenge: look at these pictures without wincing.
Cops that are so bad they're good. They're good cop bad cop all on their own.
Ah, Japan, where even the buses are weird and unsettling.
"I heard Europe is lovely this time of year" "You heard wrong"
Drunk people inventing things to get them drunker
Disorder on the court