What Santa Wants to Give You

For whatever reason, society has shown Santa to be some fat, morally obsessed dude with an unexplainable passion for children. I’d like to entertain the notion that Santa is, in fact, the epic bro we all think he might be. And why shouldn’t he be?  If your friend Nicky were to roll up in an rare-creature powered ride, his red velour jump suit with the white lapels perfectly matching his carriage, you’d be cruising for “good girls” down Broadway quicker than Nicky can ask for a quick milk and cookies, no questions asked. Why should Santa be any different?

St. Nick is a G, no doubt, and as a G he’s down to hook up his homies. Here is what Santa wants to give us:

1) Red and white Air Force One’s, a red tall T, and a red and white bandana

Santa is going to hook it up, but first we need to rep his hood.  How can he put us on his list of “truly good motha f*&()as” if we won’t fly his colors? By sportin’ this gear, you align yourself with the Bloods of the North Pole.  NorthSide4Lyfe, bitches.

2) A Success Story!

Santa heard about that one time that you went into kiss that girl Cindy you’d been hounding for months (and Santa does use words like “hounding”) but ended up doing an embarrassingly accurate replication of that scene in Superbad when Seth leans in to kiss this girl and just pounds her in the face with his skull. To help a brotha out, Santa is sending your way a Christmas Break story to top all others.  This story includes copious amounts of egg nog, a victorious Halo 3 tournament, those twins down the street (impressed by your Halo 3 strats), four light-up reindeer, and Bruce Springstein.  More importantly, you’ll have witnesses to tell all your friends at school that this thing actually went down.

3) p1x of Mrs. Clause

He knows you’ve been wondering, and, if you swear you won’t let them leak, Santa will text you those n00dz he got for his birthday last year.

4) Samantha’s Number

Little did you know, the girl of your dreams actually exists. Her name is Samantha! Santa will give you her number and now all you have to do is woo her. But don’t freak, she’s heard about that crazy ass story from your Christmas break and is thoroughly impressed.

5) “The Panty Dropper”

In case Samantha isn’t enough, Santa is giving you the one and only Kenny Powers’ Jet Ski, “The Panty Dropper.“ 

For all of those out there who think I misinterpreted this joyous holiday, I probably did.

Happy Chanukah!!!