A Little VD To You From Me

Ladies and Gents, Valentine’s Day is nearly upon us. Even though here in NY it’s still colder than my ex-girlfriend, there’s something in the air that’s making the natives restless. Pheramones are being released; the sexual tension is mounting. I don’t know what it is about the wintertime that makes people want to take off their trousers and their underpants and rub up against each other, but it happens…. At least twice a night, according to my upstairs neighbors.  Seriously, man.  It’s like they’re trying to win a prize or something. 

Anyway, Valentine’s Day is right around the corner.  And no matter how cool you think you are, it’s fucking depressing to be alone on Valentine’s Day.  And no, “Call of Duty 3” for the Xbox 360, while totally awesome, does not count as a Valentine’s Day date.  Why?  Well, for starters because you can’t put your penis/vagina in/on it…And if you’ve found a way, then please let me know. 

In the spirit of VD (the holiday, not the itch), I thought that I’d do a little Public Service to you people by giving you some sweet pickup lines to try out on those sexxxy ladies. Or doods.  Whatever – I’m not judging you.  My only warning is that I’m not good with the opposite sex… But they say “write what you know”, am I right?  With that, I give you

15 Killer Pickup Lines That Are Sure To Get You Some Action!

1. “Baby, you’re like a Star Trek communicator – You’re off the hook.”

2. “You’re hotter than when Johnny Storm says ‘Flame on’.”

3. “Trying to live without you is as uselsss as trying to escape the Sarlaac Pit on Tatooine… And twice as painful.”

4. “It doesn’t take the superhuman hypersensitive abilities of Daredevil to see that you are one good looking lady.”

5. “I’ve got a Fourth Universal Law of Robotics… Thou shalt let me buy you a drink.”

6. “You look like The Invisible Girl Sue Richards – FANTASTIC.”

7. “You’re so fine that even the Horiba PLCA-800 Liquid Particle Sensor can’t detect you.”

8. “Without you, I’m like Aquaman on the Superfriends – Useless.”

9. “My love for you is stronger than a myosincratic polypeptide protein bond… Which, as I’m sure you know, is pretty strong.”

10. “Call me the daemon Entrigan, cuz you’ve got me all hot & bothered.”

11. “I’m like a Doctor Who marathon – I GO ALL NIGHT.”

12. “Baby, you’re like Professor X… I can’t get you out of my mind.”

13. “When I see you I think of Gary Sinise’s performance in the Sci Fi thriller ‘impostor’… Because you’re the bomb.”

14. “You’re more attractive than a 800 Mhz Electromagnetic Superconduction NMR magnet.”

15. “When I first saw you, my heart made the Kessel Run in less than 12 Parsecs.”

LADIES: If someone uses one of these lines on you, here’s the perfect comeback;

“Sorry, but I’m like Uaatu The Watcher… I can’t get involved.”