A Sex Advice Column For Middle Schoolers

By Danny Bowler, 7th Grade

So, I know what you’re thinking. You’ll be in high school in a few years, and you want to be sexually experienced enough to impress those slammin’ senior babes. Well, I hate to break it to you, but all those games of “spin the bottle” just aren’t going to do the trick. It’s time to go all the way, my friend. If you don’t want those high school chicks to think you’re some kind of loser, you’ll need to be a veteran of the Holy Grail of hooking up: the handjob. Here are some tips to help you:

1. Pick a target.Not every girl is going to give up the goods. You need to pick out a girl that you know has already been around the block, and I don’t mean selling girl scout cookies. How about Sally Bishop? I saw her kiss at least three guys at the Valentine’s Day dance. Or maybe that Jessica girl from Mr. Miller’s class? I heard Johnny O’Neill totally fingerblasted her last weekend. Whoever you choose, just make sure she’s going to be willing to jerk you off like only a cheerleader can.

2. Get to know her.You’ll need to spend some time with your new lady friend. Invite her over after school, but NOT to watch wrestling. Girls are kinda gay and they aren’t into that stuff. Try playing your new Nintendo Wii with her instead. After that, maybe show her how high you can ollie on your skateboard. Just make sure that she thinks you’re a totally sweet dude. Not the faggy sweet, though. More like the X-Games sweet.

3. Seal the deal. You did it! You’re sitting next to her at the back of the Ski Club bus. Just play your cards right here, and you’ll be pulling off the exit to Handjob City in no time. Put some Vanessa Carlton on your iPod, give her the other headphone, move in a little closer and… BAM! You just got HJ’d! If she’s reluctant at first, she probably thinks you’re just using her. If so, tell her that you’re not only into her for the handjobs, and that you’re willing to commit to a long term two-week relationship. If she’s not whacking you by then, she’s probably some kind of lesbo or something, so just start over again with another hot piece of palm.

There you have it! You are now officially a man. Just remember not to spend too much time with your new g/f, or you can’t come to my birthday party. It’s a pool party, too.

Next week’s column…

“No, That Hot High School Girl That Works At Baskin Robbins Didn’t Really ‘Go Crazy On His Dick:’ Debunking 10 Myths About Your Older Brother’s Sexual Prowess”