Roommate Confessions: Issue 108

It’s been an entire week since your last confession and there’s been a lot of good, solid sinning going on across the country. Check out the top 5 and don’t forget to submit your misdeeds to our submission page!

My roommate sophomore year was a complete scumbag and loser. He was constantly stealing from my room and denying it, even when I found my stuff in his room. One night he decided to have a party at our place. I decided to be a nice roommate and make something for him to serve his guests. I baked a couple dozen cookies, each with 2 doses of exlax chocolate in it, and left it on our kitchen counter. Then I took all the toilet paper from the house and left. I came back later that night to find an empty plate on the counter, and nobody at the house. Turned out only a few people showed up for his “party” and the 5 of them ate all of the cookies.
Brian H., School Not Given

My first semester of Freshman year, I had a gay roommate who also happened to be the most despicable person I have ever met. His transgressions include: throwing random objects at me while I’m writing a paper, screaming obscenities at me and blaming it on Tourette’s, almost killing my friend by throwing a glass cologne bottle at his head, and trying (for 2 weeks straight) to get me to taste his orange flavored lube. One day, he claimed that he had put the lube in my mouth while I was asleep the night before. I got him back by dumping his entire supply of lube into his backpack. The next day, he woke up to go to class and put his laptop in his backpack. I awoke to him crying over his lubed-up laptop and dumping the rest of it onto his pillow.
Anders J., University of Nebraska

I used your facial sponge to exfoliate my downstairs so I wouldn’t get ingrown hairs.
Rachael Ward, School Not Given

So I had a roommate freshman year who had a hell of a habit of bringing his girlfriend over and locking himself in the room, with NO notice, at the most inconvenient times (i.e. when I needed a text book out of my room, needed to use my computer, or brought a girl back from the bar who was dying to “study” with me. Hell, I came out of the shower once to find a locked door and was forced to hang out in a friends room in my towel, t-shirt, and boxers to air-dry. Anyway, I eventually got sick of it and used my tech-savvy friend’s help to set my roommates web-cam to constant record, sending the signal directly to my computers hard drive. With a little footage searching and editing/brightening magic, we were able to send a very embarrassing video of my roommate, not exactly pleasing his girlfriend, to his entire fraternity. On top of that, when I was confronted about it, I was able to convince him that someone (other than me) must have hacked his computer/web cam for “some strange reason”. I think he still hasn’t figured it out till this day. Long story short I am now a very successful pornography producer. Thanks NYU!
JP Pierce, NYU

Hey Fattie! Remember when we were roommates and you would try and control everything I did and who I hung out with? Remember that time you took a big poop in our bathroom and it wouldn’t flush but you left it for me to find when I got off of work? I came home and had to pee before I hopped in the shower but found your ten pounds of poop clogging the toilet. I had to redress, run to Shopko to pee and buy a plunger. Before I plunged the mess I stuck your toothbrush in the bodily waste and then got around to plunging your poo and us having a clean toilet. You didn’t say anything about the clean toilet when you got home. But I still laugh when I see you give your big full teeth smile in pictures.
Mary Beth, Northern Michigan University

Hey there, old Army roomie. Remember when you got promoted to Corporal and thought you were the shit and acted like you were God’s gift to the military? You tried to order me around constantly, on and off-duty. You also started an untrue rumor about me cheating on the boyfriend I was dating at the time, remember? He dumped me, and then less than a week later, you two started banging each other. Well, you obviously forgot that one of my jobs in the company was head key custodian. There were plenty of spare keys to your specific room that I had access to. Suddenly, your room began to reek something awful. It spread to the entire barracks area — my room, the bathroom, the kitchen. Of course, I requested to the chain of command that I be permanently moved elsewhere. Also being one of the key people for barracks room assignments, I chose my own room with people who I knew would be awesome roommates. The same day, there was a “surprise barracks inspection”. Guess who got demoted back to Specialist on the spot? Guess who hid a relatively small amount of fish bait in your room a few days prior?
L.Z.

I got into an argument with my friend Half-Hour (the average time it takes him to get pass out drunk) about finances. He got so mad at me because I wouldn’t agree that I was financially retarded (This kid once spent $1200 on strippers and didn’t get any) that he started punching and kicking holes in the wall, breaking beer bottles, and shoving me into a corner yelling “You never side with me! You never side with me!” So to get back at him, I took a bottle of homemade beer and replaced a bit of it with Ipecac (it makes you puke) and recapped it. When he was finished with finals and ready to party, I gave him the ipecac beer as the first drink of the night, half way through the beer, he started to feel ill and was soon out of commission for the night. The best part is he doesn’t know that I did it and apologized to me for ruining my night.
TMC , ISU

Submit yours here!