G.P.Sass

G.P.S.: Turn left on Pine St. in 0.1 miles.

(Chad drives past Pine St.)

Brenda: Chad, what are you doing? It said to turn left.

Chad: Yeah, it usually says that, but it’s actually faster to keep going straight on Oak here for a little while and then take Cherry.

G.P.S.: Oh, wow, look at Mr. Big Shot here.

Chad: Wh-what?

G.P.S.: No, no, it’s fine. I mean, I’m hooked up to satellites and designed specifically to calculate the best possible route to anywhere in the world from anywhere in the world. So it totally makes sense that some kid who got his license three weeks ago after failing the test twice would know his way around better than I would.

Chad: Whoa, G.P.S., take it easy.

G.P.S.: No, I’m not going to “take it easy!” First you spend hours trying to program me with a voice that you think sounds “sexy,” then when you finally let me do what I’m supposed to, you ignore me!

Brenda: “Sexy?” What, is my voice not good enough for you or something?

Chad: No, of course not! Ugh, listen G.P.S., it’s just that I know my way around here really well, and sometimes your directions are a little…weird, is all.

G.P.S.: Right, no problem. Why don’t you drop me off here, and I’ll head over to the nearest research lab to tell all those MIT grads who spent years working on me to make my directions better because some kid who can’t even figure out that his computer wouldn’t break down so often if he stopped downloading porn all the time wants them to. Hey, you can even tell me how to get there, since my way is probably too “weird!”

Brenda: “Downloading porn?” What, is my porn not good enough for you or something?

Chad: No, of course not! Come on, G.P.S., would you just chill out? And how do you know so much about me anyway?

G.P.S.: I’m mad tight with Google, that’s why. And he’s just as angry at you for ignoring all his predictive search suggestions.

Chad: Look, it’s not my fault that I don’t care why men don’t have nipples! It’s just never really been a concern of mine, ok?

G.P.S.: Whatever. Oh, by the way, you haven’t been watching the road at all for a good 5 minutes.

Chad: Oh, crap.

(Chad’s car hits one of the maple trees that Oak St. is so aptly named for)

G.P.S.: Make a u-turn, if possible. Unless you think it would be faster to keep going straight.

Chad: F*ck you.