2010 New Year Resolutions. . .

Stop google searching topless photos of 17 year old Taylor Lautner (of Twilight fame) as I’m sure doing so automatically puts me on some type of government watch list.

Read more. Correction, read more things that are not found on the magazine rack at the gym. Which wouldn’t necessarily be such a bad thing if all of the magazines weren’t: a.) 6 months outdated and b.) aimed towards geriatrics as the gym I work out at is predominantly elderly people. Did you know there’s a magazine called Arthritis Today? Furthermore, did you know there are over 100 types of arthritis? Treatment of arthritis varies depending on type and usually include medications, physical exercise and dietary supplements. Arthritis can affect anyone at any age, with symptoms including loss of range of motion, weight loss, extreme fatigue and non-specific fever.

Stop trying to bring back the phrase “holy schnikes.” Start trying to bring back parachute pants.

Take up playing a musical instrument. Something cool like the guitar or the drums. I’m beginning to think my ability to play Hot Cross Buns on the recorder isn’t quite as impressive as I once thought it was.

Stop referring to Kim Kardashian as my BFF. Just because I follow her on Twitter does not mean I’m friends with her. Or that I’m acquaintances with her. Or, according to the restraining order, allowed within 50 feet of her.

Find a new fallback plan to make my millions. Apparently I wasn’t the only one who had an affair with Tiger Woods.

Stop narrating life in 3rd person. She said, knowing good and well this was one resolution she would not keep.

Turn Neil Patrick Harris straight.

Turn Megan Fox gay.

Rewrite Leo Tolstoy’s epic novel War and Peace as a vampire erotic romance novel. Make it onto the New York Times Bestseller List. Have book made into movie or at least Lifetime Original Made-for-Television movie.

Cure cancer.