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105%-O-Matic

105% issue #5

by 105%-O-Matic on

Noow Wiith 50% Moore Vooweels!
I masturbated to Anna Nicole Smith less than 24 hours before her death. Tick tock Terri Hatcher. Tick tock.
-Tom Sunnergren
John Donne once wrote, “Death be not proud,” and I have always agreed with him. Except for this one time, I saw a Native American stand on the edge of a waterfall, spread his arms into a Christ-like position, dive off the edge, and burst into a thousand shimmering eagles on the way down. That was pretty proud.
-Patrick Cassels
Did you hear the one about the joke with no punchline?
-Ben Lockshin
Worst/Best/Worst Newspaper Headline
“Crack Baby Still Born”
-Curt Stine
MythBusters!
…In the beginning, Hesiod says, there was Zeus, vast and dark. Then appeared Gaea, the deep-breasted earth, and finally Eros, ‘ the love which softens hearts ‘, who was thus a fructifying influence. From Zeus were born Erebus and Night who, uniting, gave birth in their turn to Ether and Hemera, the day. Then she created the high mountains and Pontus, ‘ the sterile sea ‘ with its harmonious waves…

Verdict: False.
-Amir B.
A true southern gentleman will make love to a woman in a full velvet body suit on a mound of live ducklings.
-Cody Garay
Make The Most of Your Game of “Twister”
Call “right hand labia.”
-Dan Gurewitch
The Rational Paranoid
The government is checking our water supply to make sure it’s consistent, man!
-Jeff Rubin
Roman numerals?
Not on my watch!
-Streeter Seidell
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I Fought the Law Run-ins with the cops See All »
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Search and Siezure

When I was 16, I was walking home one night from my girlfriend's (at the time) like any other night. Now, as a teen, I had a shaved head, but that's as far as it goes for me looking like "a bad ass". I was super straight edge. I got to the corner across the street from my apartment, and I was waiting patiently at the light to cross, when all of a sudden I hear the... Read More » wailers and see flashing lights coming in my direction. Two cops get out of their car, tell me to come over and proceed to start hassling me. Given where I lived (tantamount to gang territory) and the fact that I was a teen out past 11PM, this was annoying, but not a huge surprise. The first question they asked me was "where am I going?" I said home. They asked where home is, and I could point to my window from where I was standing. That wasn't good enough. They decided they were going to demand that I "empty my pockets on the hood of the car". I refused, at which point they accused me of having something to hide. But what they didn't know was that I was taking classes in Canadian law at my high school, and had already covered the section on statutes on search and seizure and probable cause. So I told them flat out: "Give me your badge number, and I'll empty my pockets. And, when you find nothing there, I'll be down at your station tomorrow with a lawyer and I won't leave until I have your job because I gave you no probable cause to stop me, let alone undergo a search and seizure of my personal belongings. And if you don't like it, fuck off". Needless to say, they got back in their car and told me to go home. And I did, smiling.