105% issue #5

Noow Wiith 50% Moore Vooweels!

I masturbated to Anna Nicole Smith less than 24 hours before her death. Tick tock Terri Hatcher. Tick tock.

-Tom Sunnergren

John Donne once wrote, "Death be not proud," and I have always agreed with him. Except for this one time, I saw a Native American stand on the edge of a waterfall, spread his arms into a Christ-like position, dive off the edge, and burst into a thousand shimmering eagles on the way down. That was pretty proud.

-Patrick Cassels

Did you hear the one about the joke with no punchline?

-Ben Lockshin

Worst/Best/Worst Newspaper Headline

"Crack Baby Still Born"

-Curt Stine

MythBusters!

…In the beginning, Hesiod says, there was Zeus, vast and dark. Then appeared Gaea, the deep-breasted earth, and finally Eros, ' the love which softens hearts ', who was thus a fructifying influence. From Zeus were born Erebus and Night who, uniting, gave birth in their turn to Ether and Hemera, the day. Then she created the high mountains and Pontus, ' the sterile sea ' with its harmonious waves…

Verdict: False.

-Amir B.

A true southern gentleman will make love to a woman in a full velvet body suit on a mound of live ducklings.

-Cody Garay