I am better than you.

I’m sick of so much… Especially all this jealousy that everybody’s vibing me with.  Come on, people.  Realize this; I am better than you. I’m funnier, better looking, more in shape, better looking, more intelligent, hotter in the sack, have a bigger wang, better looking, quicker on my feet, have a better job, know more places to eat, have more stock options, and really better looking than you. Get over it, baby. Goddamn. As Howie Mandel said right before I shot him in the throat; “DEAL”.

I do have a weakness, though. One weakness. It’s kind of weird; I get really dizzy when I look at spiral phone cords. I don’t know what the hell my problem is. Maybe I’ve got Hep C or something…. Which means that your mom now has it, too. And your dog.

Oh yeah; and I’m afraid of girls. Deathly afraid. A girl with a spiral phone cord? I’m fucked. So…Two weaknesses. That’s okay, though. Right?

Wait, I just remembered that I have allergies in the summertime. Yeah, it’s pretty shitty. I get all tired and sneeze everywhere. I think I’m allergic to ragweed or pollen or something. So that’s three.

Oooh. Also I hate Jews. So, four weaknesses.

And I don’t really like eating popcorn because the kernels get caught in my gums, and unless I’ve got some floss or something handy, it ends up really bothering me for like hours and hours. That’s five, I guess.

Also, I tend to make jokes (that aren’t really that funny to begin with) overly long and boring.  And convoluted. That’s six.

Did I mention that I’m really good looking? Seven.

Lastly, I like to fuck kids. So that’s eight.

Oh, wait - I love chocolate. But that’s not really a weakness is it? Okay, nine.

And I can’t see the color blue. Ten.

Also, I’m physically very weak. I can’t lift half of my own bodyweight. Eleven.

I don’t like to talk about it, but I have serious trouble breathing and I can’t swim. Twelve and thirteen.

And I lost a finger to a firecracker. It was just the tip, though. Fourteen.

I think that’s it…. Yeah, that’s it.


…AND I’M STILL BETTER THAN YOU, DICKHOLE.