A Valentine's Day Confrontation Between A Mother and Her 7-Year-Old Daughter

MOTHER: Welcome home, sweetheart. How was school?

DAUGHTER: Fun! We played Simon Says, then we traded Valentine’s Day cards! Look, Michael DeSotto gave me one.

MOTHER: Oh, that’s wonderful, sweetie.

DAUGHTER: And here’s another from Bradley. Hey, this one has Catwoman on it!

MOTHER: I… don’t understand. Both of these boys gave you cards?

DAUGHTER: I also got one from Marcus Shanker.

MOTHER: Three men? Jesus, Kimberly, have some self-respect. I know you’re young, but…

DAUGHTER: And look, Simon Lachance gave me one, too!

MOTHER: You whore.

DAUGHTER: Simon Lachance likes the monkeybars.

MOTHER: Oh, I bet that drives you wild, Kimberly! Doesn’t it? My Daughter the Tramp, everyone!

DAUGHTER: Look, Dylan gave me one, too. Dylan sits behind me. He eats paste.

MOTHER: (slamming table) I’m not interested in what gets Dylan off. Christ, is every swinging dick in that class giving you cards?

DAUGHTER: Hey, Suzie Tessio gave me one, too!

MOTHER: Suzie? Is she some kind of rebellion? Were your father and I really that terrible?
 
DAUGHTER: And one from Michelle. Look, it’s a Dora the Explorer one!

MOTHER: Give me that box. (looking) My God, there… there must be 25 cards in here.

DAUGHTER: Oh, I hope Bobby Norland gave me one!

MOTHER: What kind of sick, slithering orgy are they running there? I can’t believe this. My own daughter, a ruined woman!

DAUGHTER: Bobby Norland makes raptor noises at lunch.

MOTHER: (slaps her) And there will be no more disgusting love letters from boys like… like “Bobby Norland.”

DAUGHTER: (suddenly dead serious) But I love him, mother.