Don't Worry; You Passed

Tortilla Chips: $3.99

Nacho Cheese Dip: $4.99

Flat Screen TV: $2,000

Wasting all that good stuff on a silly football game: UNACCEPTABLE.

The Superbowl may be fun, but let’s face it: there’s no television event quite like LOST.The Final Season is really happening, and we’re savoring each episode like a pack of Polaroid film.Here’s what went down this week, in a tiny poison pill:

In Plane Dimension, Kate feels guilty about taking a bag of baby stuff, so she goes back and helps Claire, who was left in the dust by the almost-adoptive parents. Claire has contractions, so Kate brings her to the hospital, and they help each other way more than they expected. In Island Dimension, everyone’s freaking out that Sayid rose from the dead. Sawyer gets a gun and gets the Eff outta there. Kate tells the Others that she’ll help them get Sawyer back (yeah, right). Jin comes along, and eventually they break free from their Others escorts. Kate finds Sawyer, who’s all mushy over Juliet. At the temple, Weird Asian Leader Guy runs some torturous tests on Sayid and determines that he’s “infected.- He tries to get Jack to give Sayid a poisonous pill, but Jack wants the truth first. Meanwhile, Jin is off to find Sun. The Guy from It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia is about to shoot him, when he’s saved by – WTF – CLAIRE!?

Here’s what we learn:

1. Remove all squeaky dog toys from dog’s reach while Lost is on. Quiet chew toys only for this one hour a week!

2. Maybe it’s just my current obsession with World War Z, but, um……ZOMBIE SAYID!

3. CLAIRE!!! We finally know what happened to her. She’s been infected, too. So, she’s dead – kind of. Or rather, she’s alive, but evil. Or rather: Zombie Claire!

4. Los Angeles DVR is the worst DVR ever. It’s like 3 generations behind New York DVR, easily.

5. This isn’t Sayid. Well, duh. Our Sayid wouldn’t be such a fucking pussy on the torture table.

6. Sayid’s been “infected- – presumably with the same thing that Rousseau’s team was infected. It will reach his heart, and Sayid as we know him will be gone.

7. The two guys who can talk to dead people – Miles and Hurley – only talk to Sayid for a few minutes. They might be the closest thing to authorities on this.

8. Sawyer was going to propose to Juliet.

9. We still don’t know what happened to our other Flight 815 passengers (and the stewardess) to make them subscribe to the orders of these Others so readily.

10. Kate will always follow Sawyer. Awwwww….

11. We’ve learned to let things go when it comes to reality, but we were pushed a little too far in this episode. For example, Kate wouldn’t tell someone that she’s a murderer and then casually ask for a place to change clothes. Not buying it.

12. Artz is a total klutz.

13. Subtitles for Weird Asian Leader Guy please!

14. Aldo is our friend who fell for the Wookie Prisoner Gag when Alex’s boyfriend, Karl, was being held prisoner and brainwashed.

15. One thing I want to throw out there – And maybe I’m on too much cold medicine right now for this to make sense, but…We have two dimensions now, right? But the timelines we are watching are three years apart (2004 and 2007). There’s no way they could be the same timeline, is there? In other words, everyone still winds up back on the island, exactly where they are now (i.e. in the temple trying to get Sayid to take a pill in 2007), but they arrive there in a different order of events? I don’t think that’s possible, but thought I’d throw it up as an option to discuss!

16. ETHAN is Claire’s doctor in Plane Dimension. TOTALLY UNEXPECTED and AMAZING.

17. We know what happens to all people when they die on the island: They wind up in the ABC show, The Forgotten.