Winter Olympics Viewing Guide

If you’re like most Americans, you probably haven’t given winter sports much thought since the 2006 Winter Olympics. But with the 2010 Games set to get cranking in Vancouver, you’ll want to sound knowledgeable. Couple this cheat sheet with a Scandinavian accent and you’ll be golden! (Get it? Like a GOLD medal!)

>>> What the Heck is:

Skeleton: Like luge, but participants go down the track headfirst. This slightly alters the Doppler effect of the screaming human speeding by you at 80 mph.

Short track speed skating: Basically, roller derby on ice, only less orderly and with many, many, many more Koreans.

Curling: Competitors slide “stones- along a patch of ice and then use brooms to melt the ice in path of the stones so they stop in specific places. Extra points if you avoid the sawdust the janitor threw down over that little girl’s vomit.

Biathlon: This event combines cross country skiing and shooting a rifle. And it will give Kevin Costner the idea for a $700 million budget movie called “Snow World-.

Snowboardcross: A race that’s basically motocross on a snowboard. As long as we’re making up ridiculous sports, any chance we could give out medals for snow fort building? It’s our chance for Olympic glory.

Super G: A very fast downhill skiing slalom race. Not to be confused with “Supa G,- which generally refers to Nate Dogg.

Nordic Combined: Obviously, this event combines the two things Nordic nations like best: white people and disgusting pickled foodstuffs. Whichever blonde wolfs down the most herring in an hour takes the gold!