How to eat healthy and not feel like a sell out

OK, first off I am no where near a health professional. Not as in like proximity to but as in my abilities or qualifications. Second, this stuff is just there to make us feel better about eating everything. It’s awesome and this is America. Let’s get down to business.

Bagels- They are round and have a hole in the center. Just like doughnuts! That is a major plus, and you can put cream cheese and stuff on them just like icing a little cake. Although steer clear of whole wheat bagels. They taste like sh*t

Cinnamon Toast Crunch- This is essentially candy disguised as cereal. They say part of a balanced breakfast, but I’m not going to mess up the sweet flavor of this delicious cereal with some crappy grapefruit.

Chocolate Milk- You get a serving of dairy drenched in delicious chocolate. Just what our founding fathers would want. Well that and freedom.

Lettuce- Ewww it’s green, but just order it on your sub and then just pick it off while saying “they put too much on”. Works like a charm

Bacon- Does this need any description? It’s the candy of meat!

These are just a few of the ways to pretend that you eat healthy. They’ll make you feel better after you eat those two large pizzas and throw up outside your Econ class.