A Winter Craigslist Critique!

So the weather outside is frightful, but inside it’s claustrophobic. If craigslist is any way to gauge the mental climate of Columbus, OH right now then it’s safe to say that everyone has gone insane.

Here are some of the recent postings:

Critique:

Bad things about this ad:

1)      It’s hard to look sexy naked while freezing to death.

2)      I can’t be naked outside. What if the snowmen come alive like in the song Frosty the Snowman? I shutter just to think of his coal black eyes staring at me like a very cold piece of meat. A little known fact is that snowmen love raping. This would not make me a jolly, happy soul.

Good things about this ad:

1)      You have taken the objectification of women to an entirely new level. You view us so purely as sexual objects that you forget that we are Human Beings. And that human beings DIE IN THE COLD. The pure, innocent nature of the reality you live in must be so peaceful with all of the quiet where thoughts should be.

2)      I need to email you for more details. Maybe you’ll explain that the details are this is a joke but that you would like to send me a large amount of money and then never contact me again. This seems like an acceptable offer. All other offers will be denied.

3)      This is one of the kinkiest fetishes I have ever heard of… after infantilism. Congratulations for being one of craigslist’s strangest patrons! This is quite an accomplishment.

Good things about this ad:

1)      This woman will never find someone to love as much as this man. This makes me happy because she is an idiot and idiots shouldn’t procreate.

2)      Snow was their “thing.” That’s kind of a cool to have as the basis of your relationship a force of nature synonymous with death, depression, and misery – something that kills off the weak and the poor. But, you’re right, it looks really pretty.

Bad things about this ad:

1)      It’s not snowing out because you are no longer together with your boyfriend. It’s snowing because I personally asked the heavens to punish you for being such a narcissistic twat.

You honestly believe that the entire eastern side of the United States is covered with snow because “the heavens are angered” on your behalf? I had no idea this level of self absorption even existed.

2)      You wrote “it’s nature’s way of crying”? If nature was personified not only would it not cry on your behalf, but it probably wouldn’t even want to hang out with you. You would be the flute player in the high school marching band to the prom queen that is nature in this high school metaphor thing I’m doing. Nature only cares about the cool kids.