Hello. Thank you for being out there in a designated Media holding area many yard away from me. As many of you may have heard lately I have gotten myself into a little bit of trouble. I was unfaithful to my wife Elin, I was was an adulterer, and I cheated. I went beyond the boundaries of marraige, and for that I would like to apoligize to my wife and children.
I thought I was entitled to all that booty. I thought that because of all the money I make and all the fame I have, I could tap anything I wanted on the side. I know I messed up, but come on give me a break you guys! I mean do you know what it's like to be me? I don't even have to try anymore! I'm Tiger Woods! I'm rich, talented, and I'm rich and I'm not that bad looking. I mean yeah I'm no Brad Pitt, but all that money from my endorsements makes up for that. Women (and some men) just throw themselves at me! Sometimes I don't even want to have sex. Like this one time, I was just going to grab a quick bite at a Perkins, 'cause their Beligian Waffles are Bomb Yo! Then before you know it Boom! I'm in the bathroom with the waitress enjoying some of her homemade pie. I mean porn stars want to have sex with my money! Porn stars! How many of you have even been in the same room as a legit porn star?
I know you might be saying to each other, "Come on Tig, just say no." But seriously, I'm a guy. I love pussy like Nike loves me wearing their red polos! How can you say no to a porn star!? That seriously happens like once in a lifetime if you are lucky, or twice if your Tiger Woods. Besides, I know some of you have side booty and I can safely say it's not half as hot as the tail I turn down. Through all of this I have learned that I just need to be true to my buddhist upbringing and only envision different women while I'm having sex with my wife, just like every other man in America. Although unlike most other men I will ACTUALLY be having sex with a super model, and after I am done I will light my cigar wil a crisp Benji. So in summation, leave me and my family the hell alone. I F'd up! So the F what? I'm Tiger Woods Bitch! Deuces! (Outkast's The Way You Move plays over loudspeaker as Tiger chunks a deuce, does a spin and swaggers out)