The Might-As-Well-Be Obituaries

A look at celebrities who have fallen off the face of the earth, major failures, and people I just plain don’t like.

 

Lindsay Jacobellis – Olympic Snowboarder

We remember Lindsay for her lackluster performance in snowboard cross in the 2010 Winter Olympic Games. But surprisingly 5 place was an improvement for this heavy gold medal favorite. At the games in Turin, Italy in 2006, Lindsay (again a favorite for gold) had a commanding lead in the final race. I’m talking light-years. And then that “no-brainer” part of her brain (all women have this) decided it was a good idea to attempt a trick on the final jump. Keep in mind snowboard cross is a race strictly based on time, no tricks required. Short story short, Mrs. Jocobellis failed to land her trick, allowing the Swiss boarder to pass her and steal the gold.

Lindsay’s career was buried immediately after her 5 place showing. Lindsay survived by her Mother Jane and her abusive father William.

 

Diane Amos A.K.A.” Pine-Sol Lady”

Actress, game show contestant, and fatso. Diane Amos had it all. Who was she? Unless you are one of the fourteen people who actually watched Donny Osmond’s $25,000 Pyramid then you probably only know her from the Pine-Sol commercials. Now where’s the power of Pine-Sol, baby? Nowhere to be seen. All those years slaving away for the Pine-Sol people and nothing to show for it. Why she never joined the feminist movement we will never know. After all she had more manliness in her malformed penis than most men have in their entire bodies.

 

Jamie Lynn Spears’ Baby

Does anyone actually believe this thing is going to live a happy life?