Oh, eleven inch piece of plastic,
So shiny and bright.
You're all that's in bed with me,
At the end of most nights.

You're always there,
I'm never in need.
You never pressure or force me,
Into doing the deed.

You don't expect much,
Sputtering and chugging along.
And I don't have to impress you,
By wearing a thong.

I never have to fake a headache,
Or feign being sick.
And while you aren't a douchebag,
You're still a big dick.

Oh, little C-battery powered friend,
With you, I can truly be me.
You don't judge me for coming to you once a day,
All right, let's be honest, sometimes three.

So while you don't bring me chocolates, roses,
Or other mushy stuff
You bring me something few men have,
And trust me, that's enough.

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