Once upon a time, there was a sperm and an egg who were in love.
EGG: (Batting her eyes) I’m waiting for you …
SPERM: (Swimming) I’m swimming as hard as I can … but nothing’s happening.
The handsome sperm and the adorable egg were forced to love each other from a distance because there was a blockage and the sperm couldn’t reach the egg.
EGG: This sucks!
SPERM: There’s nothing worse than unrequited fertilization.
Luckily for the sperm and the egg, there was such a thing as in vitro fertilization (also known as the least fun way ever to have a baby ever). So they went to see a doctor who began preparing them. He removed the egg, collected the sperm, and brought them together in a little Petri dish.
EGG: This rocks!
SPERM: You got that right!
The sperm and the egg found that they really, well, meshed, and soon their cells were multiplying. These cells were put back into the woman’s womb to develop, and nine months later…
BABY: Hey mom, hey dad. I’m the entity you created.
EGG: Oh, Honey, we have a baby!
SPERM: And he looks just like me!
EGG: Does baby want some milk?
BABY: Don’t patronize me! Just ‘cause you made me in a dish doesn’t mean that I’m going to be the picture-perfect kid you’ve always wanted. Now, you guys have some serious soul-searching to do. First off, mom, your uterus is retarded. And dad, what the fuck is wrong with you? Didn’t you learn how to jack off in high-school, like the average teenager? When did you grow up, in medieval times?
EGG: Gee, this kid sure is a smartass. We spent hundreds of thousands of dollars to create him, though. We should at least attempt to tolerate him for a few days, right?
SPERM: Yeah, fine, I’ll put up with it. But if he doesn’t let up, that stork is taking him the fuck back to wherever he came from.
As much as they tried to change him, nothing worked. The more they cared, the more he pulled away.
BABY: Mom, Dad. Where’s my allowance? I’m flat-out broke. You cheap fucks never give me any money.
SPERM: You’re eight years old! What in God’s name do you need money for?
BABY: To buy the music you give me shit for listening to. Not all of us are into orchestras and opera, dumbass.
The sperm and the egg finally determined that it was their way or the highway. Their kid was going to change, or there were going to be serious consequences, and it was time he knew what he was in for.
SPERM: Kid, we know you’re only 10 years old, but it’s time for you to fucking shape up. Here’s your reality check.
EGG: Essentially, kid, we’re ready to make a little switch. The in vitro fertility treatments worked a little too well. There are four others that we put up for adoption when you were born. You have 3 sisters and a brother that are currently living in foster homes. So, BITCH, DON’T MAKE ME TRADE YOU IN. THERE ARE FOUR OTHERS JUST LIKE YOU.
Evidently, the kid still didn’t realize the consequences of his actions. He proceeded to drop out of school and get a job dealing weed. While he was therefore able to support himself financially, his parents were still unsatisfied with the way he chose to lead his life. His constant drinking and bouts with depression didn’t help matters, either. So they said unto him, “FRINE BITCH, YOU MADE US DO THIS,” much like God in the days of the Bible. The sperm and the egg thus exiled the kid, and retrieved the latest addition to their family from the foster home. The sperm, the egg and Wesley all lived happily ever after.