Guy Student

555 555 1275 (Please don't call after 6pm, I'll probably be drunk already.)

luv2tapthat@hotmail.com (I forgot that I can't use my university email, so here's my account from 9 grade.)

134 Jones Blvd. Unit 16 (Are you…are you gonna send me mail? Like MAIL-mail?)

 

Education

 

High School

• Diploma from High School That Consistently Fails No Child Left Behind Testing

• Football team, 2 years (Backup kicker.)

• Student council secretary, 1 year (Main duties: needlessly recording meeting notes, bringing pretzel rods, pretending to give a fuck about student council.)

• Honor roll student, 4 years (Wasn't difficult to get straight Bs. LOL!)

 

College

• B.A. In Regrettable Major That Bears No Relevance To The Real World

• Minor in Dead Language

• Founder of Music Appreciation Society (Smoke weed, listen to Modest Mouse, ironically enjoy nineties rock music videos.)

 

Work Experience

• Administrative Assistant, Office of the Registrar, November 06 – November 07

  • Duties included: surreptitiously checking Facebook every half hour; instant messaging with friends to complain about how boring this job was; lying about having a Friday morning recitation so I could go into work late after going out Thursday night; filing.

• Server, Roscoe's Chicken and Waffles, February 08 – April 08

  • Duties included: performing customer service; cleaning kitchen equipment; operating cash register; not telling my parents I work at a fast food restaurant

• Intern, CoolCityStyle.blogspot.com, May 08 – present

  • Spending an unreasonable amount of time on Microsoft Excel; drafting weekly blog posts about whatever bullshit my boss suggested; exploring creative new ways to ask for my weekly stipend; filing.

     

Skills

• PC and Mac proficient (My dad told me this counts as a “skill,” but he's old so you know.)

• Friendly, diligent, prompt, hard-working (Even more so when I score some Adderall.)

• Dexterous pianist (I took lessons in elementary school and performed in at D.A.R.E. Assembly.)

• Quick learner (Will determine how best to surf the Internet without you finding out during first two weeks.)

• Value honesty as most important virtue in an employee.