Roommate Confessions: Issue 121

It’s been an entire week since your last confession and there’s been a lot of good, solid sinning going on across the country. Check out the top 5 and don’t forget to submit your misdeeds to our submission page!

My roommate would always bring back these white trash/ hood rat/ disease infested girls back to the room every few so nights and they would always stink up the room or trash it. As revenge I got this haggard ass mattress that my uncle brought back from the Vietnam War and replaced his mattress with it. He just got over having lice, and now has some sort of flesh eating rash. Sorry Dude, but it’s for your own good.

Brad B., School Not Given

I chained your bike to your passenger side wheel so you wouldn’t see it before you drove away.
T.O., School Not Given

Yes Ross, it was me that peed into your car window that night. You were an ass, you punched my friend in the face, you never cleaned, and you smelled like a ten day old yeast infection. It was hilarious the next day when you came running upstairs blaming everyone for the urine soaked seat, steering wheel, and shifter knob. We convinced you it was some random act of tomfoolery. I have never laughed as hard as when both of us peed into your car when were totally gone.
Anonymous, School Not Given

My roommate last year would best be described as a chronic masturbator. If I were to leave the room for any amount of time, I would almost certainly return to an eye-full of him jerking it. In the first two weeks alone I walked in on him seven times. I have nothing against jerking off, but I had grown fearful of entering my own room. My initial attempts to get him to slow down were limited to public humiliation (logging onto his facebook and joining various masturbation groups the primary method) and were largely unsuccessful. But my master plan came to me soon. His sister was also a student at the school and I made it my goal to use her to destroy my roommate. After about three weeks of my best game, I was able to persuade her to send some naked pictures. I waited another two months until break to take advantage. After cropping out the girls face, I sent a couple of the pictures to my roommate. Admittedly the girl was a bit of a butterface, but what can only be described as world class tits made me positive that he would soon be furiously pleasuring himself to these pictures. He soon texted back and asked me who the girl in the pictures was, to which I responded ‘its your sister, haha’. We both had a laugh and left it at that. When we had both arrived back at school, the topic of conversation soon turned to the pictures I had sent him. He was a bit perplexed as to why there was no face in the picture, but had loved them none the less. In fact, he loved them so much that he had sent them along to his friends back home. A little later in the year, we went out to a bar for the night. I left a little early, telling everyone I had work the next morning. when I got back to the dorm, I sent him the full picture, with the text saying “recognize anything?”. From what I heard from my friends at the bar, he freaked. I have been told that if I were still in the bar, I would not have survived. In the remaining two months we lived together I didnt once walk in on him jerking off.
John Howard, Pitt

My first week of school my suitemate revealed to me that she had her nipples pierced. Okay, as long as I don’t have to look at them all the time. She just walked in my room in her underwear with CDs hooked around her piercings, and has agreed to go out to a party dressed that way. Guys of North Carolina get ready!
Allison T., School Not Given

My roommate’s girlfriend was in our living room on her laptop a few weeks ago. She had been applying for jobs and had her resume open in a minimized window. I thought it would be humorous to mess with her. I saved her actual resume to my thumb drive (so she wouldn’t lose it) and replaced it with a Word Doc that included a photo from her Facebook of her dressed as slutty French Maid from last Halloween with the caption, “Hire me and you won’t regret it.”. I figured she’d check the Word Document before sending out anymore resumes, as the file was open on her screen; I was wrong. Turns out she sent out about 5-10 more resumes that day using the file that I changed. She didn’t even know there was an issue until one of the employers she applied to replied to her email saying, “If you think I find your prank application humorous, you’re wrong.”. Obviously she got very pissed, specifically because she works in a specialized field (Landscape Architecture/Design), so job openings are few and far between. I naturally denied involvement, and said the prank was probably pulled by one of our immature friends who happened to be at our place at the time. Last week she took a job waiting tables at TGI Fridays. I feel as if I’m to blame.
Zach Corwin, Quinnipiac

Well the community bathroom on my floor is always raunchy and there is always piss all over the toilet seats, so I took the screen off of the window in my room. This allows me to shit out of the window from 3 stories up, sorry girls that live below me!
Jordan Smith, University of Utah

My first year of college I lived in a dorm room with a SLOB. Not only was his side of the room messy but also filthy. In addition – his walls were covered in Republican memorabilia (complete with a signed photo of GWB on his shelf and a life-size photo of Reagan on the door). He was quite a hefty boy (think Agustus from Willy Wonka) and I was often woken at 3 or 4 AM by the sound of him eating while loudly watching TV (the eating reminiscent of a pig with a sinus infection sucking chicken noodle soup through a straw). As if this isn’t bad enough – one night I awoke to a different sound. Under the light of the O’Reily factor, Agustus was chokin’ the chicken. Mortified, I tried not to move and pretended to be asleep. After audibly finishing – I peeped an eye ever so slightly open only to see him tossing the tissues he used to clean up ONTO THE FLOOR. After which he stood up (clothed thankfully) and grabbed a popsicle from the freezer.
Jace Lucero, School Not Given

My roommate honestly believes that he can receive ancient secrets to the universe through his alphabet cereal. Almost every morning (and sometimes even in the middle of the night) he finds me and tells me what he saw in his bowl before he drank the milk. Well this particular time he was telling me how the letters in the middle spelled out “die”. He was freaking out (cause apparently his cereal bowl is correct) and 3 days after that he got a phone call from his mother telling him that his grandma has passed away. So after thinking about this I decided to toy around with this whole cereal bowl idea. I placed the letters into a message that his grandma would have wanted him to hear in his bathroom. The next mourning he comes and finds me and shows me the “message” he found in his bathroom. He didn’t want to read it without me so we read it together. It went something like how his grandpa was never circumcised and how they made sweet passionate love every night until the day she died. When he started gagging and hurling in the sink I almost lost it but kept my cool. I haven’t told him since.
Mitchell Ballard, School Not Given

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