Athletic Tendencies

Sports define champions. They also define characteristics, such as,

Hockey Player Ugly
Unfortunate looking hockey players reach a whole new level of ugly, hence the term: hockey player ugly. Crooked teeth, giant chins, lazy eyes, scars, fetus style foreheads, mullet like hair, all attributes that combine to create profound ugliness. Such deformities may be evident at birth, but for scientific reasons are accentuated by skating with a stick.

Football Player Dumb
If there is a sport that can harbor some huge idiots, it’s football. One of the few major sports where a player can be sub IQ and no one would necessarily notice. Thinking probably inhibits performance since acting reflexively is required for success. This is why women and football don’t jive, women over analyze everything, and risking a brain hemorrhage for a ball seems unreasonable.

Snowboarder High
Snow boarders are the modern day version of hippies. Or the richer version of people who play hacky sack. You can’t even watch snowboarding without hearing about pipes and tricks that give you the munchies. Would a sober person risk plummeting to paralysis for the sole purpose of looking stellar? Snowboarding is not a sport, it’s a lifestyle, a very very baked lifestyle. 

Distance Runner Nice
It is no surprise distance runners are decent people considering race participation necessitates raising money for charity. So nice they can tread on boring. Running has no spontaneity, no contact, no surprises, just straight running. But when was the last time you heard someone say “he’s one of those dumb arrogant running types?” It just doesn’t happen. Runners are bread and butter basic people, no expensive equipment, just shoes and a sense of purpose.
Close Second: Steve Nash nice

Hockey Player Jerk
Hockey player jerk results from a unique blend of biology, upbringing, situation and beer. Hockey players are billeted when they are 17, giving them a parent free cash flow adolescence. Teachers, peers, and all other humans are considered obstructions to their greatness. The most interesting part of hockey, other than Russian rivalries, is when gloves come off and a fight breaks out, and this idealization of confrontation spills over into normal life. Chugging beer is part of training. His friends are often hockey player ugly, making him Brad Pitt by comparison, ever more inflating this out of control ego, before he realizes a hockey player can never be: 

Basketball Player Slutty (Competitor: Tiger Woods Slutty)
Basketball players are usually not objectively handsome but still have the ability to make women wetter than a water slide. Basketball players sleep with a lot of women, this is the way of the world. When describing the perfect guy, most women would not have “basketball player” on that list. Suffice to say, it can be the only thing on that list. This is the difference between reason and reality. Basketball players may not be intellectual, or funny, or show promise of commitment, or be coherent, but their genes are a gift from God. Basketball players are enhanced evolution. The choosey selective part of a woman’s brain is easily compromised by the primitive part of her brain attracted to physical dominance and courtside seats. 

Girl: Oh my gosh who is that?
Friend: Some NBA basketball player
Girl: He’s kind of hot, in a weird, rich way. Maybe I’ll go talk to him.
Gentle breeze, flash of light
Girl: What happened?
Friend: He just had sex with you
Girl: Awesome