I’ve been submitting comics and articles to College Humor for the past few months. Around 7 submissions total where only one has made it. This is a clear indication that my material does one, or a combination, of the following: sucks, doesn’t fit with CH’s audience or has been done before. But instead of just coming out and telling me to accept a mediocre existence, I get the local listings/encouragement letter. The following is the rejection letter College Humor sends me with every submission. You’ll find my interpretation of it immediately after.
Actual Email
Hey! Our editors have read your article and sent it to the local listings. That means that your article can be found on your user or school page, but it won’t be featured in our Newest Articles section. We encourage you to keep writing though because, man, we are running out of ideas. Seriously, I’m going to get fired soon if I can’t think of something new.
Interpretation
Hey! Our editors see you’ve submitted again and this time, one CH employee threatened to kill himself. This means your article is like a bad radio station, playing the same shit over and over until someone starts hurting people. You’re not in college anymore, that’s obvious. It’s also obvious from our daily content we’re not running out of ideas anytime soon, but just in case you grow up to become the Oatmeal, we’ll let you down softly. Seriously, it’s time for you to do something original.
Interpretation
Hey! Our editors see you’ve submitted again and this time, one CH employee threatened to kill himself. This means your article is like a bad radio station, playing the same shit over and over until someone starts hurting people. You’re not in college anymore, that’s obvious. It’s also obvious from our daily content we’re not running out of ideas anytime soon, but just in case you grow up to become the Oatmeal, we’ll let you down softly. Seriously, it’s time for you to do something original.
I only ask that if this article makes it the local listings, could the CH staff editor send me the interpreted version?
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Sexual History CarFax
News Feed History of the World: April 2012
Everything is Scary
Choose Your Own Adventure: Office Edition
Even More Super Secret Menus
The Way We Do Things Sober vs Drunk
Little known literature fact: Dr. Frankenstein was only trying to DRAW a monster that would terrorize villagers.
It's like people on the Internet have never seen a boob before. Come to think of it, many of them haven't.
"I guess these are cool. If you like that kind of thing. Whatever. " - Porsche owner, moments before bursting into tears.
Anyone who DOESN'T want to live in the Hobbit houses is crazier than Denethor.
My all-dental dam band will never be this good.
All these Twitter accounts are run by Odie.
You will be more frightened while watching this video than anyone in it.
Good luck, detention monitor.
Sometimes the most timeless, magical things happen accidentally. Like farts.
When is the holiday to memorialize stupid people lighting themselves on fire?
