What Your Glasses Say About You

Designer glasses:

Your left eye might have astigmatism but your eye for fashion remains flawless. Your roommate says you grossly overpaid for designer frames but it doesn’t really faze you. You can’t be bothered by the opinions of someone who thought Dolce & Gabbana was the Italian version of “Dharma and Greg.” You’ve thought about wearing contacts but like the way the upscale frames accentuate your eyes. That is when you’re not rolling them at people wearing Crocs.    

Glasses with clip-on sunglasses:

You already had so much stuff crammed into your fanny pack that finding room for the sunglasses you bought at an interstate rest area was just not a reality, so you emptied out the swear jar and bought yourself some polarized clip-ons. You spend the majority of your weekends looking for yard sales but that doesn’t keep you from maintaining your neighborhood-renowned shrubbery.

Sports glasses:

You spent the majority of your childhood out in the backyard playing sports. Whatever time wasn’t spent playing sports was reserved for explaining to your mother how you sort of-maybe-kind of broke your glasses again. While you endured your fair share of teasing, your ability to dunk a basketball or throw a baseball really fast kept the “four eyes” taunts to a minimum. People often confuse you to be an absent minded chemist or skeet shooter.

Non-prescription nerd glasses:

You know you’re attractive, but you don’t want people to know you’re in on your ravishing good looks. You’re fed up with people not taking you seriously or not listening to your ideas because they’re too busy ogling your high cheekbones and the overall symmetry of your face. You truly believe that behind your beauty lies the creative and intellectual spirit of a 21 century genius that is only recognized when you channel your inner 1950’s geek and don those thick black frames.

Circa 1970’s glasses:

You spend a lot of time around playgrounds and occasionally walk laps around the mall for exercise. Collecting discarded bottles is not only a hobby but your main source of income and you’ve thrice been thrown out of the Young Adults section for trying to reenact the library scene from “Ghostbusters” with your Catalan Sheepdogs, Lady and Connor. You’re either someone’s crazy uncle or a twenty something year old with an insatiable thirst for irony.

3D Glasses:

You’re high!