The New Apple Ad Campaign

Once, I used a Mac just like this. However, the difference between this laptop and that one—while an imperceptible difference to the untrained eye—is that the previous Mac was, in fact, a vessel for the Old Ones.

As I opened up Safari and typed in “gmail.com,” an eldritch voice spoke out from the depths of the Nether: “Ph’nglui mglw’nafh Cthulhu R’lyeh wgah’nagl fhtagn,” it said. I leaned in closer, not sure of what I just heard—and then, as I viewed the betentacled, Cyclopean countenance staring at me from the shattered ruins of an inhuman civilization long since destroyed, I felt my hold on reality—previously as strong as iron—give way. Tenuous, as water seeping off of a sheet of steel. I began to scream, to shout in a tongue not heard since the days when Man was naught but a mute biped, barely removed from the ape.

As I went mad, descending the perilous spire of lunacy, I saw one thing. One thing saved me from being a gibbering shell of a man: A vision of Steve Jobs attacking great and mighty C’thulhu with an iPad.

That, my friends, is why I own a Mac.