Beer
What you think: I don’t need a fancy drink to have a good time.
What others think: I have no job and beer is the cheapest thing I can buy here.
Wine
What you think: I have a sophisticated pallet and can appreciate the subtle flavors in this merlot.
What others think: Hard alcohol us too strong for me and I want people to think I have money so beer isn’t expensive enough.
Cosmopolitan
What you think: I like a fun colorful drink with a cool spiral of fruit peel.
What others think: I can’t wait for Sex and the City 2. I wish I could hang out with Carrie or Samantha just once, I could totally be the fifth friend.
Martini
What you think: I’m cool like James Bond.
What others think: I watched Casino Royal last night and memorized all the ingredients he lists in the movie. I hope I can trick a girl in here with my fake accent.
Moonshine
What you think: Why would I pay for alcohol when I can make my own out of a few ingredients in my bathtub.
What others think: I would probably drink battery acid or urine if it was the only thing I could find and it would give me a buzz.
The Tonight Show Monologue Mad Libs Edition
Eight signs you are in Canada

8 Gross Infomercial Products Someone Actually Spent Time Inventing
If Congress Got Stuff Done Like Roommates
That's My Butt
All The Funniest Vines In One Convenient Place
Almost Reading
The Troll
Humor Us
TLDNR
Regret Everything
The Graphic Truth
CollegeHumor Interview
Twidiots