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How to Join the Mile-High Club
After a romantic, candle-lit dinner there's nothing more breathtaking than slowly making sweet love to a girl underneath your covers in the missionary, with the lights low as you listen to the soft melodies of Coldplay.
SNORE. The only kind of sex I like is hard-core porn star ass shaking madness with a little eye dottin' bukake on the side to gangster rap, preferably Tupac. Unlike most putzes out there whose physique can be most easily classified under "Pillsbury" with an equally pathetic hard-on, I'm actually comfortable with myself in the nude, and nothing's sexier than a girl who feels the same. For a little variety, I like to fool around in public places, like parks, elevators, bathrooms, etc. Nothing however beats an airplane. Yea, the sex may not be the greatest as you're cramped and smell like the inside of old lady's purse, but hey, what else could be better as you bang while every other idiot in the cabin's glued to "Sweet November" and some stale pretzels? I submit that there is nothing, short of strangling that bitch with the seat belt display at the beginning of the flight, but after 9/11, that may be a little out of line. So without further adieu, here's my experience joining the mile-high club in five easy steps, and what you can do to not get arrested and still have a good time.
- Enlist a partner in crime.
Not just for sex, which is a step you can skip if you're a big enough mac to handle at the terminal, but someone to cover your ass (which in my case happened quite literally). Now Lala and I had met just such a person on our travels, who happened to be departing to the same terminal we would be (Madrid). He of course was a disgusting chauvinist Spaniard dog, so we got along right away.
- Survey your options and location, and get your game-face on
When I decided to do this I was in the middle east (Cairo) and in this area of the world public sex is, well, frowned upon to say the least. Western nations with more liberal laws regarding this sort of behavior are preferable. Once at the terminal I impaired my already bad judgement with massive quantities of alcohol. It was at this point that I decided to work out any remaining kinks out of my plan. Preferably you should do the opposite.
Work out seating arrangements before hand, as well as the location where the deed will occur. What did my plan look like? Well, there were three seats to an aisle. Lala was in the window seat, I was in the middle, and our friend, "Manolito", had the aisle. Now, you may be asking what the seating arrangement has to do with anything, because obviously it's going down in the bathrooms, right?
Wrong, IDIOT. Having sex in the bathrooms is not only the easiest way to get caught, as there are variables which are impossible to control like the flimsy bladders of your fellow dumbass passengers, it's also for pussies. We were gonna get it on right there. In the seats. It's so bold no one would suspect us, and eliminates every variable except for the ones that we could control.
- The deed
Now lots of my fellow reader's bullshit detectors are probably going way off the meter at this point, but trust me. It's a lot simpler than it sounds. It was a late flight, which you should choose, as the lights will be dimmed and most occupants will be busy being brainwashed by whatever the latest romantic comedy is. The trick is to get a blanket, maybe more, and pretend like you're just a young couple sleeping. No one would dare bother to wake such a heart-warming sight. Make sure she's wearing a skirt, and turn her to the side so her face is squished against the windowpane for comedic affect. Now work your plumbing together under the blankets and start fucking. Laugh at the funny faces she makes squished against the glass.
This is where your partner in crime comes in. If he's doing his job, he should be watching the aisle and every time a stewardess or a passenger strolls by, give you a little tap upon which you close your eyes and do your best to pretend your asleep, like when your roommates walk in on you masturbating. Chances are the person won't notice anything, upon which a second tap signals its okay to start humping again.
Now when I say "humping" I don't mean obscene ass clapping, because if you're that person you either just don't give a fuck in which case the middle of the aisle's a better place, or you're a moron who deserves to be caught. It should be just some quiet nudging, which although seems a lot more boring than tearing off clothes in a cramped bathroom, really isn't because I had one of those on a train, and it wasn't that tight. Just alright, because we got caught. Which brings me to my next point.
- If you get caught
Deny everything. If you were in the bathrooms say your partner got airsick and you were helping her out. Have her wander out holding her head and making a face as if she just had an abortion. Since nothing can be proved you're in the clear. Now the seats are a different story. If you get caught there you're pretty fucked if they want to make a scene out of it. The only person who would do that would be some uppity, overly-attentive crabby old cunt who figured some good old fashioned hanky-panky was going on with someone's daughter underneath those blankets, which of course, once you deposit your seed on you will return to lie in wait for the next passenger. Sleeeeepppppp ttttiiiigggghhhhtttttttttttt. Anyway, just keep it on the dl if you're in the seats and you should be cool. No one will likely bother you.
- I fucked someone on an airplane. Now what?
Tell all your friends and then write a blog about it and post it on your myspace.
*Oh and if you're reading this Wojo, the first paragraph was for you.