Unlucky Charms

One morning, after pouring his favorite cereal, Jerry closed the Lucky Charms box and placed it on the counter.

LEPRECHAUN HAT (marshmallow): (to the entire box) Listen, laddies. Jerry has finished expunging the merry chosen ones o’ the day. Everyone, get back to ye work, or a Guinness shall be opened in ye arse. 

X (cereal): Uh, dude this ballsucks. Why do we constantly have to be the bitches of the marshmallows? It’s not like they’re even nutritious. 

CLOVER ©: ‘Tis quite a pain, dealing with those controlling scum. I do recall when me and Leprechaun Hat were just youngins in the old country. 

X (c): Old country? What the fuck are you talking about? We’ve been squished together in this box for like 3 weeks. I’m gonna do something about this. (Shimmies way to a marshmallow) Uh, finally. Rainbow, this whole keeping us enslaved thing is ridiculous. You can’t possibly think you’re better than…

RAINBOW (m): What the bitch?! I’ve told you grainy trannies a thousand times not to interrupt me during Dancing with the Stars. If I miss the voting for that sassy bitch Niecy, someone’s gonna die.


OTHER RAINBOW (m): Mhhmmmm, bitch (snaps). That bossy diva is my girl. Hey, you wanna head over to that new nightclub, “Erect”, later. I heard their mojitos are super fab.

X (c): Where could you possibly have heard that?! We’ve been in a box this whole fucking time! Is anybody here normal?!

JESUS-FISH ©: Do not fret, my child.

X ©: There’s a Jesus-fish piece? Since when?

JESUS-FISH ©: Basically forever but nobody notices the oat cereal ones. 

X (c): That’s actually what I wanted to ask you about. Why are we so disrespected?

JESUS-FISH (c): It’s quite simple really. No one likes our kind because, well…we suck. We look like dirt and, quite frankly, we taste like your mouth when you first wake up in the morning. For these reasons, we honor the marshmallows as they are the only means for our escape from this stuffy box. 

X ©: Ah, so what’s beyond the box.

JESUS-FISH ©: Uh, well…um, (righteously) the path of God to freedom and happiness, of course.

X ©: Well you’ve certainly gained my trust.

(box opens and handful of cereal is grabbed)

JESUS-FISH ©: HERE IT COMES, EVERYBODY! PRAISE THE LORD! (upon nearing Jerry’s mouth)  What the bitch?!