I was at the gym the other day, and as I was going to town on the StairMaster, Beyonce’s hit song If I Were A Boy came onto my iPod. While Beyonce’s rendition of this song is touching and thought-provoking, I got to thinking about what I would do if I were a boy and how I would’ve wrote this same song. And that is just what I’ve done. For an easy comparison, I’ve bolded my re-writes underneath the actual lyrics for your reading pleasure.

If I Were A Boy

If I were a boy
Even just for a day
I'd roll out of bed in the morning
And throw on what I wanted and go

If I were a boy
Even just for a day
I love penis too much
So I’d probably be a huge gay

Drink beer with the guys
And chase after girls
I'd kick it with who I wanted
And I'd never get confronted for it
Cause they stick up for me

Drink cosmos with the girls
And chase after dudes
Yeah, I’d definitely be a big homo
Watch some gay porn on slo-mo
Spend Saturday nights at home with my left hand (this is actually turning out to be no different than me being a girl)

If I were a boy
I think I could understand
How it feels to love a girl
I swear I'd be a better man

If I were a boy
I think I could understand
How it feels to love a girl
Cause that one time in college when I got really drunk and felt experimental and woke up the next morning confused and unsure of what had happened, but turned on at the same time. . .oh wait, what?

I'd listen to her
Cause I know how it hurts
When you lose the one you wanted
Cause he's taking you for granted
And everything you had got destroyed

I’d pretend to listen to her
Cause I know how it sucks
When you facebook stalk a guy
And you find out that he’s bi (true story)
And he picked the dude over you

If I were a boy
I would turn off my phone
Tell everyone it's broken
so they'd think that I was sleeping alone

If I were a boy
I couldn’t turn off my phone
Cause it’s already been broken
From over using the vibrate option from always sleeping alone

I’d put myself first
and make the rules as I go
Cause I know that she’ll be faithful,
waiting for me to come home, to come home.

I’d put myself first
Cause right now I always come last
Or not at all
Seriously, it’s drier than the Sahara down there

It's a little too late for you to come back
Say it's just a mistake,
Think i'd forgive you like that
If you thought I would wait for you
you thought wrong

It’s a little too late for you to come back
Well maybe if you bring me a Whopper or maybe a Big Mac
Think I’d forgive you like that
Possibly, if you gift me with some Skittles or maybe a Kit Kat
Or a McFlurry. Or a Blizzard.
Shit, I ran out of words that rhyme with “back”
And now I’m hungry
Thanks for nothing Beyonce

You know, reading over this I realize that before I can imagine being a boy, I should probably first succeed at being a girl.