Valentine's Day For Single People

Everybody knows Valentines Day is a Hallmark Holiday. Just like Mothers Day, just like President’s Day, and just like your best friend’s birthday. It’s just a stupid holiday for stupid people and their stupid girlfriends to make them feel better about themselves.

Whatever. Little do those lame lovebirds know that there’s plenty of awesome stuff to do on Valentines day even if your girlfriend dumped you after you made dinner reservations that you made clear were not able to be canceled. (I asked you on November 30th if you were ABSOLUTELY CERTAIN we would be together and YOU SAID YES!!! I’m not asking you to love me, but you could at least go to dinner with me still. And no, I’m not paying for your fat ass — You can pay for yourself. You are so unfair!)

Suggestions:

- Look at old videos that you put on your computer but you haven’t really looked at since you uploaded them. This one is super fun. Just search by extension (.mov and .avi are most popular) and make a night of it. You’re in for a night of great surprises like the time you thought you were taking a picture sophomore year but it was actually a two second video. So much better than eating dinner at Café Veritas (five stars according to Parade Magazine) with an ungrateful slut. And don’t even tell me there’s nothing to eat because you’re a vegetarian, I know you’ve eaten fish before.

- Dehydrate fruits and meats. Dry apricots are delicious and beef jerky can cost upwards of five dollars for a small bag. Who’s having a lame night now, you fucking tramp? What do you mean you made other plans!? You said you weren’t seeing anybody else! I cannot believe what I am hearing!

- Reading your ex girlfriends emails and I.M’s and look for grammatical mistakes. Oh wow, really? “Your” in love with me?! It’s “You’re.” I guess you were sick the day they taught words in elementary school. And by the way, “Privilidge” isn’t spelled like that. It’s P-R-I-V-I-L-E-G-E. Man, you were way off. I can’t believe I ever went out with an illiterate, two timing bitch like yourself.

- Sign up for an extracurricular course.