It's Hollywood Week, y'all! (screaming and cheering) Seacrest reminds us that one of the 127 Hollywood contestants will go on to become as mega super famous as the likes of Katharine McPhee, Taylor Hicks, and Chris Daughtry. Oh, if only anyone who doesn't watch Idol knew who those people are.
The first day is spent making a bunch of girls cry. There were a staggering 85 billion girls who made it to Hollywood (as compared to a modest (172-85,000,000,000) boys, so a lot of them had to go home. Amid tears and running mascara, 56 girls were given the boot.
Nicole Turner, who was last to sing, makes a big deal out of being sent home because she sang "Ain't No Way" at the insistence of her mom and aunt, instead of really putting her soul into whatever else it was that she was considering. Her mom, cane and all, made an appearance on the stage to explain to the judges that Nicole was only doing this to please her, to which the judges replied, "We don't give a fuck." Per usual, Simon did something to make Paula want to challenge him to a cage match.
On Day Two a bunch of guys get cut, leaving 34 to advance to the Next Round: GROUP PERFORMANCES!
By 8 PM, only Seacrest, the crew, and 92 starry-eyed contestants are left in the Orpheum Theater, desperately trying to find their Group Performance Soul Mates. Among them:
- Cowboy whose group has bad (meaning "no") harmony
- Amanda & Antonella, BFFs from New Jersey, pair up with Baylie "Commercial with a Capital C" Brown, to Baylie's chagrin. The BFFs may or may not be smart enough to try to sabotage the outsider, but either way, they make for a pretty cute three-some. Singing threesome, of course.
Eh, whatever. I'm sure those Jersey hos make out with each other all the time.
- Perla "I Wish I Was Shakira" Meneses, the Fakest Columbian Ever, is pissing her group off because she has no idea how to sing a song that she hasn't hear Shakira sing. Le sigh. She also has a strange Case of the Disappearing Accent, a la Buckwild from "Flavor of Love." Beaner, please!
- Amanda of Amanda & Antonella wanders off at one point to go flirt with a black guy. (Me: Jersey girls truly are trashy. My roommate: Jersey girls ain't trash. Trash gets taken out! Me: That's clever. Did you think of that yourself? My roommate: Shut up.)
Then, to my never-ending delight, come the performances themselves.
- The Good: Perla "Taco-Flavored Kisses" Meneses goes home.
- The Bad: Matt Sato, my favorite 16-year-old, pink-Razr-owning, 3-carat-diamond-stud-earring-sporting, show-choir-performing gay kid gets sent home.
- The Inexplicable:Sundance Head, despite being berated by Simon on the previous day for "looking like he was boiling" when he sang, AND despite the fact that he sang the loudest, worst back-up I have ever heard, was allowed to stay. Presumably because of his goofy-ass name. (His real name is Jason. Why the fuck would you prefer to be called Sundance? Hippies these days.)
- The Greatest Thing I Have Ever Witnessed on Idol:Chris Jack Black/Osbourne, Blake Beat-Box-It, Rudy I Don't Have a Nickname for Him, and Thomas Wears a Fedora sing "How Deep is Your Love." At first they're singing, and they sound good, whatevs, right? Then Blake busts out a sweet beat and they go all crazy and a cappella and I cannot describe the glory in words. I never, ever, EVER expect anything good from American Idol. I mean, really, never. But when four guys with relatively tight vocals groove the "Saturday Night Fever" theme song to a motherfuckin' vocally-produced BEAT BOX Let's just say that my roommate and I were screaming and clapping and rewound it like 6 times to watch again. Check it out, because it was awesome. And by "awesome" I of course mean "not a shit-show."
- The Indifferent: Baylie was sent home, but Amanda & Antonella get to stay. For a little while. Amanda said that this was "Because God likes good people," and the producers immediately run footage of Amanda flirting with the black dude, as if to highlight her hypocrisy. It figures that Fox would still be under the impression that white girl + black guy = morally unsound. My Memphis heart throb Fidel Jesus Castro was also sent home, but I'm getting over it.
Finally, the judges herd the contestants into three rooms like so many kindergardeners during a tornado drill, and one of the rooms goes home. In that room were Amanda of Amanda & Antonella, the Indian girl whose brother did not get cut, and
other unremarkable people.
There's another show tomorrow, and who knows what will happen? Not me, my DVR stopped recording before the very end.