Mother Goose Goes to College

Sing to the tune of Twinkle Twinkle Little Star:

Sticky sticky college bar,

You’re not what you say you are.

You claim to be what’s hip and cool

But you’re filled with vomit, blood, and drool.

Sticky sticky college bar,

I hope I only stepped in tar.

Sing to the tune of The Itsy Bitsy Spider

The drunk and ditzy freshman went over to the frat.

She finished up a beer bong in 7 seconds flat.

Then she met a guy and you know what they did,

Now the drunk and ditzy freshman has got herself a kid.

Sing to the tune of I’m a Little Teapot

I’m a little dorm room, cramped and small.

Here is my bed and that’s pretty much it all.

When you listen closely, through the wall. . .

Mas-turbating is your suite-mate Paul.

Sing to the tune of On Top of Spaghetti

While I was in college, a University.

I lost all my brain cells, and virginity.

I blew all my money, on Keystone and Coors,

My education, has flown out the door.

I sit and I ponder, my staggering debt

To top it all off, I sat in something wet.

It smells like a combo, of stale beer and puke.

If I ever graduate, I would be some kind of fluke.

My liver is broken, and so are my lungs.

The only tests I take, are field-sobriety ones.

With my GPA, I’ll probably never leave here.

But fuck it I’m thirsty, so let’s have a beer.