Cobra Kai Vs. The New Karate Kid

A locker room at a karate tournament. Outside, a cheering crowd. Inside, Sensei Kreese paces in front of the students of his evil Cobra Kai dojo, now grown up.

Kreese: Students! It’s been 26 long, humiliating years since Daniel Larusso and his trainer Mr. Miyagi defeated us in the ring. But now you, my most ruthless pupils, have returned to fight a new challenger and restore the honor of Cobra Kai.

Students: YES, SENSEI!

The students do a jumpkick.

Tommy: Get ‘em a body bag, yeah!

Kreese: You will be brutal and deadly. You will attack like the bloodthirsty warriors you are. Strike hard. Strike fast. Show no mercy. Do you understand?

Students: WE UNDERSTAND, SENSEI. SHOW NO MERCY!

Kreese: Then meet your new opponent…

He unveils a large photo of baby-faced Jaden Smith. There’s a long silence.

Johnny: Um, how old is that kid?

Kreese: What? Oh, 10 or 11, I think. NOW, are you ready to make him suffer?

Johnny: Eleven?! You want us to beat up an 11-year-old kid?

Kreese: I want you to DESTROY him. Sweep the leg! His underdeveloped calf bones will snap like dry spaghetti. He alone will suffer for the 26 years of Cobra Kai’s shame.

Johnny: I’m sorry, Sensei. I want to represent Cobra Kai. It’s just, 11? I mean, most of us are grown men now. That kid can’t weigh more than 90 pounds.

Kreese: (clutching a fist) We will shatter his nose and dis-lodge his jaw.

Johnny: I can’t beat the shit out of a kid, Sensei.

Kreese: Haha. Always doubting your fighting skills, Johnny.

Johnny: That’s not what I m—

Kreese: I too worried about our chances, which is why I’ve spent the last two decades perfecting new moves designed for maximum damage and prolonged agony. Tommy, come up here and help me demonstrate the Din-Tuk-Tu eye gouge.

Tommy obediently walks to the front of the room.

Johnny: You don’t have to do that.

Kreese demonstrates the Din-Tuk-Tu eye gouge on Tommy. Tommy screams and drops to the floor, clutching his bloody face.

Johnny: Jesus Christ!

Kreese: Thank you, Tommy. You may take your seat.

Tommy is dead.

Johnny: I’m gonna be sick.

Kreese: (shaking his head) I should have known you’d let me down again, Johnny. Just like the last All Valley Karate Tournament. All-Valley, Johnny. Do you have any idea what that means?

Johnny: Not really. Do you? Look, I just don’t think it’s a fair fight.

Kreese: I agree.

Johnny: (surprised) You— You do?

Kreese: Yes. It isn’t fair, because before the match I’m going to wait outside his locker room and whack his knee with this lead pipe.

He puts on a ski mask.

Kreese: I’ll see you in the ring, students. STRIKE HARD. STRIKE FAST. SHOW NO MERCY.

He runs out of the locker room. Three minutes later he is arrested for assaulting a minor.