What a Conspiracy Theorist Thinks

Obama: You all know why I called you here; TJ12ACB commented on a Youtube video and exposed all our conspiracies.

Illuminati: Uh-oh. How bad is it?

Obama: He posted it in all caps.

Justin Bieber: Dear God…

Time Traveler: What are we going to do?

Obama: I don’t know yet. It’s lucky I found it so soon. He must have deciphered all those strange and evil clues we put out.

Robot: Maybe we should stop leaving those clues around.

Obama: Maybe you should shut up.

Illuminati: Well, thank goodness you read every single comment people make on the internet. But now what?

Reptillians: We could fake something.

Obama: Great. I love faking things! This is going even better than the time we faked the moon landing and Utah.

Robot: Utah?

Obama: Come on; did you really think there was a Utah? Wake up sheeple.

Aliens: Sorry we’re late, guys. We were busy just totally existing this whole time with no one noticing.

Obama: Hey guys; It’s a good thing America has hid your existence for all time.

Illuminati: And that no aliens have ever been to other countries, for some reason.

Obama: Which reminds me; thanks for running everything with the Jews, Illuminati. I owe you a sandwich sometime.

Illuminati: You guys run everything too?

Jews: Of course! That’s why nothing bad has ever happened to Jews throughout history.

Bigfoot: I thought you guys were getting it pretty easy…

Justin Bieber: Maybe we should rig it so TJ12ACB looks crazy, even though he clearly isn’t crazy, because how could a crazy person know that I, Justin Bieber, am a Korean spy?

Robots: Exactly, agent Wu-Jung. He’s clearly a genius; but we need to rig it so he looks crazy even though he totally isn’t.

NBA Referees: Like how whenever anyone’s favorite team loses it’s because we rigged everything.

Obama: Exactly. But we have to focus; TJ12ACB is literally the most important man in the world, no matter what backhand comments that guy at Subway makes about his weight.

Reptillians: Right. He is a super genius; and to think his parents wanted him to get a job or something.

Aliens: Should we kill him like we killed JFK?

Mafia: I thought that was us.

Aliens: (shrugs) who knows these days?

Obama: We need to think of something; the last thing we need is for someone to reveal how I am literally Hitler; Secret Muslim Kenyan Hitler.

Robots: That wouldn’t bode well for the re-election, especially during the 2012 apocalypse.

Bigfoot: So we’re agreed; let’s get him!

Obama: But we have no way to find out who TJ12ACB is! We simply don’t have the technology.

Reptillians: He has defeated us! Arrrrrgh!

Obama: Yes he has. Despite the fact that we rigged everything in the entire world, for some reason we cannot trace a Youtube poster.

Justin Bieber: Curses! Hissssss! (Turns into his snake form)

Obama: But he truly is a hero, willing to fight us even if it means he can never even kiss a girl, because his duty is so great to the world, not because he’s scared to do it or anything.

Illuminati: Yes; TJ12ACB Youtube is a genius and a lone hero. Secretly, we respect him.

Obama: Now, let’s get back to work here; we have an alleged “Oil- “Spill- to “Clean- “Up- in the “Ocean- if you know what I mean…

Robot: Nuking Atlantis! Of course…

Obama: We can only hope TJ12ACB doesn’t tell everyone on Warcraft.