What Really Happens in the ER

The Nurse and Doctor burst through ER doors with patient on a bed.

Nurse: His name is Frank Fitzgerald; he was just hit by a car.

Doctor: Oh my god, it looks like there’s some serious internal bleeding and possibly a collapsed lung. I’m going to scrub up immediately!

Latex Gloves: Sigh…

Doctor: What is it?

Latex Gloves: It’s just, well, never mind.

Doctor: No, no just say it.

Latex Gloves: You’re busy. It can wait.

Nurse: Doctor, we’re losing him.

Doctor: No just tell me; it’s a thing now.

Latex Gloves: Well, it’s just that I feel a little used, you know?

Doctor: I never meant—

Latex Gloves: You shove me on your sweaty hands and stick me in some guy’s chest and then the second it’s over you just throw me away.

Doctor: That’s your job.

Latex Gloves: It just stings a little, ok?

Doctor: Fine, fine. Noted. Can I put you on now?

Nurse: Doctor! Hurry!

Latex Gloves: Fine.

Doctor: Nurse! Scalpel!

Forceps: Here we go again…

Doctor: What?

Forceps: Scalpel is always first.

Scalpel: You think I chose this Forceps? Do you know some of the shit I’ve seen?

Forceps: Yeah yeah we’ve all heard the stories Scalpel and we’re all so impressed.

Scalpel: That’s ‘cause you’re always on the surface where life is all breezy but on the inside it’s dirty and dark, and…I can’t unsee the things I’ve seen.

Doctor: Forceps leave Scalpel alone; I’m going to use you soon too.

Nurse: Seriously Doctor, quickly. This guy is dying.

Scalpel: I’m always cutting, always destroying. There’s blood on my hands man. You think maybe once I’d want to help fix someone up like Sutures over there? Huh? Do ya?

Sutures: You wish you could be me.

Retractor, Surgical Scissors, and Gauze: (rubbing Sutures chest sensually and giggling) Oh Sutures!

Sutures: Yeah I stitch people up, save some lives. It’s no big thang.

Nurse: We really have to go now.

Doctor: Dammit Nurse my team and I need to be on the same page!

Forceps: Whatever. Just start with Scalpel.

Latex Gloves: Jesus Doctor you are sweaty bastard.

Doctor: I can’t help it, you’re suffocating me!

Latex Gloves: It’s either that or I don’t protect you from this guy’s blood-borne pathogens. You have to choose!

Doctor: I choose us.

Flat line noise is heard.

Nurse: Doctor. We lost him. You better tell the family. They’re outside.

Doctor: Dammit. Not again. Stethoscope, come here.

Stethoscope: Let’s do this shit.

Nurse: But doctor I’ve already felt his pulse; he’s dead.

Doctor: No I need Stethoscope to make the family think I tried really hard.

Stethoscope: Authenticity! Yes!

Doctor and Stethoscope high five.

Nurse: But you didn’t try.

Doctor: Hmmm. You’re right. Big Round Metal Head Thing, you better come too.

Big Round Metal Head Thing: Ooooh! Yay! Me have use now!

Latex Gloves: Just go Doctor. Just throw me away. Don’t worry about me.

Doctor: I’ll make this right Latex Gloves. I’ll fix this. Next time it will just be you and me. We’ll go dancing. Or do a colonoscopy together.

Latex Gloves: I-I’d like that very much. When can we?

Doctor: Right after I tell this family their father/husband died. Give me two minutes.